My season predictions:
- Liverpool – Torres & Gerrard prove an irresistible axis and Aquilani adds attacking impetus to their already-strong midfield. The unfortunate Philipp Degen is put down after an innocuous incident at Melwood which resulted in a broken leg for the Swiss. The curtains are drawn around him and he is shot dead by Sammy Lee.
- Chelsea – The unfashionable diamond formation is a failure and sees the dour Ancelotti revert to their preferred 4-3-3 before Christmas. Michael Ballack is jailed for murder after being discovered in his home laughing maniacally and holding aloft the bloody head of Patrice Evra.
- Man United – RIP Patrice Evra after he is brutally butchered by Ballack, as United are forced to spread responsibility throughout the team in the absence of Ronaldo. Michael Owen makes 34 substitute appearances and touches the ball four times, twice with his hand. Mr Ferguson’s face morphs into a huge circle of streaky bacon, and is sold to Dewhurst’s.
- Arsenal – Same as every other year. Despite this, Arsene Wenger belligerently insists they are the best team in the country, pointing to his brilliant youngsters who carry all before them in the League Cup before falling to Blackpool in the 4th round. Eboue cleans up his act and only dives 36,232 times, while Jack Wilshere emerges.
- Man City – Hughes sacked after failing to crack the top 4. Meanwhile, forming an irresistible tidal wave of pork in tandem with Krisstopher Akabusi and his king size plonker, Micah Richards breaks all-time spit-roast record for footballers as he puts more women to the sword than City signed new players, a remarkable 184. Richards subsequently ruled out of World Cup squad with AIDS.
- Aston Villa – Steady stuff from the Villains. Downing thrills the locals by kicking the ball and running after it quite a bit. Nigel Reo-Coker hands in transfer request and demands move to Barcelona.
- Spurs – The usual poor start is followed by improved form and a UEFA Cup spot. ‘arry achieves the impossible by filling his matchday 18 entirely with mixed race full-backs called Kyle.
- Everton – It’s dull stuff from Moyes miseries as they bore their way to 8th. Yakubu returns to finish the club’s top scorers, notching each of his 16 goals from the penalty spot.
- Sunderland – Good stuff from the Mackems, though the good campaign is blighted by Twitter troubles. Darren Bent labels manager Steve Bruce “a fugly cunt lol!” on the micro-blogging site and is farmed out to Ipswich on loan, where he forges an unlikely friendship with Roy Keane, as they spend hours chatting on MSN.
- Fulham – Roy Hodgson enters into a job-share with Jonathan Ross, and finds himself embwoiled in a wadio scandal after teaming up with Frankie Boyle to make abusive phone calls to the grandmother of Bobby Zamora. Andrew Johnson retains Mastermind title.
- West Ham – Mid-table obscurity for Zola’s men, as the little Sardinian continues to waste millions on dross from Serie B. Another disastrous diamond heist involving Luis Boa Morte sees the Portuguese wildman deported.
- Blackburn – Give a ****. Allardyce piles on the pounds and is witnessed dining out in McDonald’s, Chorley, with Nick Griffin, apparently plotting to kill that Spanish ******* Benítez.
- Bolton – Kevin Davies exceeds his target of a dozen broken cheekbones in a season. Less importantly, the barrel-chested hitman notches four goals in a prolific campaign as Megson’s men consolidate.
- Stoke – City bludgeon their way to safety. Delap injured for 2 years, forcing Pulis to bring in Czech maniac Jan Zelezny as a replacement.
- Birmingham – Meh. Kevin Phillips discovered standing on a stool and necking passionately with Niall Quinn in the boardroom at St Andrews, after a goalless draw with Sunderland.
- Wigan – Roberto Martinez out of his depth and a succession of gambles from Spanish football fail to pay off. Hugo Rodallega becomes addicted to fish, chips and ‘a pie barm’, and retires from the game to open Hugo’s Plaice.
- Portsmouth – A season of turmoil, so depressing in fact that Mr John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood changes his name to John The Fattest Man In Southampton Westwood. However, Pompey survive by virtue of so many other poor teams in the division.
- Wolves – Kevin Doyle a total flop as they go straight back down. Mick McCarthy quits in March to take up new role as Deerhoof vocalist.
- Burnley – Turf Moor proves a horrible place to go but the Clarets lose every single away game to go crashing straight back down.
- Hull – Craig Fagan sent off nine times as Hull endure the season from hell. Phil Brown resigns midway through the disastrous campaign to open Palm Beach Tanning Studio, but is caught in the salon masturbating over a DVD of Sam Allardyce and is overthrown by staff members Chantelle, Britney and Janella in a Tanning Studio coup.
very good 
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