Bad Joke Thread Vol 2

[sean_lfc]

How do Bob Marley and the Wailers like their sandwiches?

Wi Jam in

And what do they say when they offer said sadwiches to others????


"I hope you like jam in too"

ROFLMAO!!!!! LOL lol

[Chiccada]

ROFLMAO!!!!! LOL lol

[kendoddsdadsdogsdead]

What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gay lick

What do you call an asian lesbian?

Mingita

[badpiggy]

what do you give a sick pig?

oinkment

[captainfog]

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore is stuck and it won't open!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo beep! beep!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Zookeeper.
Zookeeper who?
Zookeeper away from him!


Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

[Johnny]

Two cows standing in a field,one says "Have you heard about this Mad cow desease?"
The other one say`s "It doesn`t affect me i`m a pidgeon"


Two logs beside the cows wake up.One says to the other "I slept like a human last night"

[kendoddsdadsdogsdead]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?

How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained
his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows' noses.

After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed, but she declined his offer and walked off
across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "Who?" ... ... ... ... .. ... .. ...

"That was Thora Hird."

[Eth]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?

How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained
his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows' noses.

After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed, but she declined his offer and walked off
across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "Who?" ... ... ... ... .. ... .. ...

"That was Thora Hird."

That is BRUTAL

[captainfog]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?

How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained
his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows' noses.

After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed, but she declined his offer and walked off
across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "Who?" ... ... ... ... .. ... .. ...

"That was Thora Hird."

I would say that this joke is the funniest we've had so far on this thread!

Well done sir

[BJC]

Back to the eighties with this one...

Bloke goes into a pub and orders a pint of ale.
He leaves his beer on a table and goes for a slash.

On returning he takes his well earned slurp of frothy nectar and is horrified to find it taste like sh!t.
Outraged he asks the barman what's wrong with the beer. However the barman informs him that while he was in the toilet the woman standing at the other end of the bar had gone over to his table, squatted over his beer and guffed in his pint.
The bloke is gobsmacked... marches over to the woman (a black lady, big boned but athletic) and demands..

"You fart in my Whitbred?..."

"No" replies the woman, "I'm Tessa Sanderson"

[cobain]

OK, it might not be a joke but it's still bad. Some guy from .tv forum has started to write lyrics for his "Anfield rap"... This is what he had done so far...

LFC est 1892
18 leagues 5 european cups = more than you
the history the fans the tradition we got it
new amerian owners with real deep pockets
new stadium on the way but we will never forget
the magic that anfield is
The "this is anfield sign" up on the wall
as soon as they see it watch the oposition morale fall
cause this is our home and our fortress
so the away team might as well forfeit

WTF?!

[kendoddsdadsdogsdead]

I would say that this joke is the funniest we've had so far on this thread!

Well done sir

[brikkis]

A man and his wife are dining at a table
in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks,
"Do you know her?" Yes," sighs the husband, "She's
my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split
up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "Goodness!"
says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

[brikkis]

> >A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
> >the other of the afterlife.
> >Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
> >After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word
> >he made contact,
> >"Mary. Mary."
> >"Is that you, Fred?"
> >"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
> >"What's it like?"
> >"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to
the
> >golf course, I have sex,
> >I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
> >I have lunch, another romp around the golf course,
> >then sex pretty much all afternoon.
> >After supper, golf course again.
> >Then have sex until late at night.
> >The next day it starts again."
> >"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
> >"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Donegal."

[captainfog]

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!