Bad Joke Thread Vol 2

[Rowan]

A rabbit walkis in to the bar on his lunch break from work, he asks the barman for a cheese toastie and a pint of fosters. he then eats his toastie, drinks his pint and hops back to work.

Next day the rabbit goes back to the same bar, However this time he orders a ham and cheese toastie and pint of fosters. He eats his toastie, drinks his pint and hops back to work.

Next day the rabbitt goes back to the bar again. This time he orders and cheese and onion toastie and pint of lager. He eats his toastie, drinks his pint then hops off back to work.

The next day the barman has the toastie grill heated up ready for the rabbit but he doesn't show up. the same happens the next day and the day after that.

On the fourth day the rabbits brother (also a rabbit) hops in to the pub.

"alright" said the barman. "I haven't seen your kid in here for a few days"

"He passed away" said the rabbits brother (also a rabbit) "we've just had his funeral now".

"I'm sorry to hear that" said the Barman "how did he die?"

"Mixing His Toasties"

[desertscouser]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed.

When his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her Husband said. "I was just in the bathroom
powdering my c0ck with aspirin. You can take it oraly, or as a
suppository, it's up to you."

[kendoddsdadsdogsdead]

I like tramp jokes:

Joke 1.

A tramp walks into a wine bar in Chelsea, and no sooner does he reach the bar, than the bar man shouts;

"You're barred, we don't wan't your sort here!"

"I only want a cocktail stick", says the filthy beggar,

"OK then, now beat it", quips the angry landlord.

The tramp accepts the cocktail stick gratefully and disappears. Ten minutes later, the same routine happens with another tramp;

"I told your mate, you're all barred!",

"But I will piss off if you give me a cocktail stick", says the vagrant.

"OK" relents the barman, in an attempt to placate his customers.

An hour later, the last tramp walks in.

"Giz a straw", he drunkenly stammers to the now incensed barman.

Stumped by the change in request, the barman enquires:

"Why not a cocktail stick?"

"Well", mumbles the tramp, "a dog was sick and all the big bits had gone by the time I found it on the pavement".

Joke 2.

2 tramps appear to be fighting down an alley, when a copper strolls up to them. Upon reaching them, he notices that the first tramp is violently sticking a couple of fingers up the other one's arse.

Removing his notebook, he starts charging the tramps with indecent behaviour in a public place, when the first tramp pipes up:

"I'm only trying to make my mate here puke up, he's got food poisoning from some leftovers out of a bin."

"But you're supposed to stick your fingers down his throat", replies the puzzled copper.

"I was about to try that again before you came along and butted in", replied the tramp.

Joke 3.

A talent scout is sitting in a pub having a quiet pint and a packet of crisps when a huge rabbit dressed in dirty overalls walks in and orders a pint. Shocked that no one has batted an eyelid, the talent scout turns to the barman and says;

"Am I pissed or is that really a talking rabbit?"

"Sure, he comes in here every lunch time on his break", replies the barman placidly.

The rabbit picks up his canvas bag and disappears after downing the pint in one. Waiting for him the next day, the talent scout is holding a lucrative contract for a touring circus. He approaches the rabbit as he sits at the bar and tucks into a pint and a pie.

"I couldn't help but notice you've got an amazing talent there", he says, complimenting the hungry dusty rabbit. "This circus contract will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams, and you can start next week if you want"

"What the **** will the need a plasterer for?" asks the rabbit.

[brikkis]

young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the Lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me..

[captainfog]

The pet shop owner told me that only one of the budgies was for sale. I asked him why and he told me the others were all on higher perches.

[brikkis]

I found this funny as I could relate to it......


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful
.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the
hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to
quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he
could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way
to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and
Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Angry Dan]

3 Tampax walking down the street, Mini, Maxi and Ultra. Which one speaks first?


None they are all stuck up *unts

[cobain]

A toothpick walked down the road. At some point he saw a needle with a gun and said: "Robocop!"

[captainfog]

A man walks into his local bank branch looking for a loan to start a business. He sits down with his bank manager and explains that he wants to start a business making cheese.

'Brilliant' replied the bank manager, 'I love cheese, do tell me more about your great idea'

'well', replied the man, 'I'm going to start up a cheese factory in Lancashire and make delicious cheese. I'm going to call it Lancashire Cheese.'

'No, no no', was the bank managers retort, 'that is not good at all, there is already a well know and extremely tasty cheese already called that. You will need an original idea if I am to give you the loan you so disparately need.'

With that the man left.

He was, however, undeterred and the following week he returned to see the bank exclaiming that he had a new and fantastic idea. He excitedly sat down and explained that he was going to start a cheese factory in the small village of Cheddar in Somerset and make a cheese that would be perfect for sprinkling on jacket potatoes. He would called it Cheddar.

Upon hearing the man's second idea the bank manager shook his head saying, 'you haven't listened to a word I have said have you? I told you to come up with an original idea and there is already a cheese called Cheddar which is also excellent for sprinkling on Jacket potatoes. Go away and don't come back until you have thought of something new.'

With that the man left.


Again, the man was undeterred from his goal of cornering the cheese market. The following week he went back to see the bank manager.

'I have it', he exclaimed as he confidently strode through the bank managers door, 'I have a corker of an idea.'

The bank manager sat up and motioned for the man to continue. The man needed no second bidding and went on to describe his idea.

'I want to start a cheese factory. I am going to make a truly delectable cheese. If the UK cheese market is already full of great cheeses then I thought I would make my cheese abroad. I will build my factory in Nazarus.'

'What will you call your cheese?' asked the bank manager.

To which the man replied












'Cheeses Christ'

[Johnny]

A man walks into his local bank branch looking for a loan to start a business. He sits down with his bank manager and explains that he wants to start a business making cheese.

'Brilliant' replied the bank manager, 'I love cheese, do tell me more about your great idea'

'well', replied the man, 'I'm going to start up a cheese factory in Lancashire and make delicious cheese. I'm going to call it Lancashire Cheese.'

'No, no no', was the bank managers retort, 'that is not good at all, there is already a well know and extremely tasty cheese already called that. You will need an original idea if I am to give you the loan you so disparately need.'

With that the man left.

He was, however, undeterred and the following week he returned to see the bank exclaiming that he had a new and fantastic idea. He excitedly sat down and explained that he was going to start a cheese factory in the small village of Cheddar in Somerset and make a cheese that would be perfect for sprinkling on jacket potatoes. He would called it Cheddar.

Upon hearing the man's second idea the bank manager shook his head saying, 'you haven't listened to a word I have said have you? I told you to come up with an original idea and there is already a cheese called Cheddar which is also excellent for sprinkling on Jacket potatoes. Go away and don't come back until you have thought of something new.'

With that the man left.


Again, the man was undeterred from his goal of cornering the cheese market. The following week he went back to see the bank manager.

'I have it', he exclaimed as he confidently strode through the bank managers door, 'I have a corker of an idea.'

The bank manager sat up and motioned for the man to continue. The man needed no second bidding and went on to describe his idea.

'I want to start a cheese factory. I am going to make a truly delectable cheese. If the UK cheese market is already full of great cheeses then I thought I would make my cheese abroad. I will build my factory in Nazarus.'

'What will you call your cheese?' asked the bank manager.

To which the man replied












'Cheeses Christ'

I tee-hee`d

[captainfog]

What do you call a blond essex girl in a closet?


The 1988 Hide and Seek World Champion

[greystoneslfc]

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?

The ref blew for a foul.