Crap Jokes

[baitman]

Be careful when wrapping your presents...

A young man named Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter...

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was with you when you put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,
Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

[Subby]

He believes the other players are locked because they are ... "Shaded out"?

I was looking at it on my phone and it didn't work properly...I see it on the PC now and understand lol.

cheers anyway

[Norbs]

Be careful when wrapping your presents...

A young man named Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter...

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was with you when you put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,
Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

Not poor enough

[baitman]

A zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie
Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so
Geordie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for £500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin’ on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle
United Football Club fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Geordie stated, "You gotta givvus another week to
come up with the £500"

[baitman]

Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart.
i hope it doesnt smell, what should i do?"
i replied Put new batteries in yer hearing aids.

[Yozza]

New year but same old jokes...

Poor show...

[Shanks]

Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart.
i hope it doesnt smell, what should i do?"
i replied Put new batteries in yer hearing aids.

Dear God...

[Kloppster]

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr. Moyes and Mr. Martinez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a portugese beer to each of the others. The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel. The third round was on Wenger, he bougt everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint for the guys, except for Moyes.

Then Mr. Moyes said; Hey guys what about my pint...??? Rodgers looked at him and said; Sorry David, this is the fourth round, and you are NOT in it....

[ChesterDave]

The BBC should start showing The Proms after the 9pm Watershed. Far too much sax and violins.

[5europeancups]

The BBC should start showing The Proms after the 9pm Watershed. Far too much sax and violins.

brilliant!

[Drew Peacock]

Having not had sex for over three years, I decided to visit a prostitute - "How much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously, "That depends." She replied. "How much have you got?" - "About a litre and a half, probably."

[Drew Peacock]

Professor Higgins at the University of Belfast was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first year medical students, this was not an exciting subject and the Professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young lady in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably at the Everton match with his mates.'

[kev776]

n the greatest days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO,who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get ****ed."

[Liverpel]

Professor Higgins at the University of Belfast was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first year medical students, this was not an exciting subject and the Professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young lady in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably at the Everton match with his mates.'

No joke here.

My wife works with someone whose surname is Peacock.

He named his son Drew.

It was months before they realised how bad it sounds.

(I hope it's not your real name.)

[Kenneth]

I don't believe that.