Crap Jokes

[Paddy]

Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Spoken just like Charles Manson

[kev776]

Reunion Lunch
A group of ex-servicemen, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because they had never been there before.

[Red_Polo]

That's just sad

[fah-q]

Plus I'm not sure Wetherspoons is 40 years old.

[Subby]

Last night there was an insect flying around the room, eventually after a few minutes it started flying straight towards my face suddenly it exploded right in front of me.

It was a Jihadi long legs.

[Subby]

After I pulled this girl and took her home, I left her on the couch while I made some 'preparations':

"I'm sorry for keeping you" I said when I joined her.

"You've not been that long" she replied.

"You've misunderstood," I said, "I mean you're not leaving."

[Subby]

What's big and tastes like penis?

My secretary's Christmas bonus.

[Subby]

What can you jump over that's a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

[ChesterDave]

Stealing that for Facebook

[Leyton388]

[Mr Darko]

What do you call a fast zombie?

A zoooombie

What do you call a snake that studies past events?

A hisssstorian

[McDermotX]

[Muddled]

Ejaculate.

How a Yorkshire man tells somebody they're running late.

[Stanbull]

A scouser joins the Cisrercian order of monks who adhere to a struct vow of silence. Every seven years they are allowed to voice one thing to get it off their chests if they want to.

Seven years in at the breakfast table the head monk asks if anyone has anything to say,only the scouser raises his hand and asks if he could have an extra sugar in his tea

Fourteen years in at the breakfast table the head monk asks if anyone has anything to say, only the scouser raises his hand and asks if he could have warm milk on his cereal.

Twenty one years in at the breafast table the head monk asks if anyone has anything to say, only the scouser raises his hand and says "I don't think this is for me"

The head monk says " I agree, you have done nothing but moan since you got here"

[Dessy]

Police have arrested Sooty for sexually assaulting a minor in the late 70s.

Police have also arrested Matthew Corbett, they suspect he had a hand in it