Crap Jokes

[baitman]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 outside London,Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're
asking for a £100 million ransom!

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on
fire.

We are going from car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a gallon."

[kev776]

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.

There were only three survivors. Two guys and one girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through the ordeal and after a while nature once more took it’s inevitable course.

Well a couple of years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So……….

…………………….they buried her.

[squaddie]

was in a pub the other night. Had a few brews when I noticed two rather large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”

One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”



So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

That’s when the fun began.....

[baitman]

i sent a text to the missus to see what she was up to, she said Gavin from autoglass was injecting his special resin into her crack..
Now i'm not normally a suspicious person, but i've got the car!

[baitman]

Old framer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son,this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i cant dig the field by myself,i know if you were here ,you would help me .
The son writes back;dad don't even think of digging the field because that's were i buried the money i stole.
The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The following day the son wrote again......Now plant your potatoes dad.......its the best i can do from here.

[baitman]

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Before she has a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of steaming hot dog **** over her carpet and says, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog sh1t from your carpet, i will eat what's left"
"Well" she says "I hope you are ****ing hungry because the electricity was cut off this morning.

[wiw]

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Before she has a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of steaming hot dog **** over her carpet and says, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog sh1t from your carpet, i will eat what's left"
"Well" she says "I hope you are ****ing hungry because the electricity was cut off this morning.

[baitman]

banned from sainsburys... Didn't like shopping there anyway.

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me... I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

[baitman]

Sky Reporter "So Peter, What would you be if you weren't a footballer?"..Peter Crouch "A Virgin".

a thug,a racist,an adulterer and a footballer walk in to a pub.
the barman says,"what can i get you Mr Terry?"

[McDermotX]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"



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The Lone Ranger & Tonto walked into a bar. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" Lone Ranger said, "I do......why?"
Cowboy said, I just thought you'd like to know your horse is almost dead."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got Silver some water and soon he was feeling better. Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel much better." Tonto said, "sure, Kemasabe", and took off running circles around Silver while Lone Ranger goes back in bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later another cowboy struts into the bar and asks. "Who owns the big white horse outside." The Lone Ranger claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says, "Nuthin, but you left your Injun runnin."


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[Subby]

So thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises.

I know a few people who won't be applauding.

[wavydavy]

So thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises.

I know a few people who won't be applauding.

I had a mate who was Thalidomide. He had a very hard life but the the thing he dreaded the most was sparklers on November 5th as a kid.

[Liverpel]

So thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises.

I know a few people who won't be applauding.

[kev776]

A girl sends a text to her boyfriend:
If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
If you are laughing send me your smile.
If you are eating send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying send me your tears.
I love you.

The boyfriend replies:
I am having a ****.
What do you want?

[Shaggy]