Crap Jokes

[SK]

A Chinese couple had a black baby, they named him Sum Tin Wong

[Boogs]

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says
how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is
building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not
listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently
admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he
reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web

[Gibbo]

New children's game show to be hosted by Jim Davidson - The Penetration Game

[ronanm]

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says
how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is
building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not
listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently
admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he
reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web

Good old Frank Carson

[Boogs]

Good old Frank Carson

Met him once in the Hilton Hotel Park Lane when I worked their. He was wrecked walking through the lobby early afternoon and asked me if the things in his mini bar were free. When I said no he shouted at the top of his voice CUNT! Once I laughed he wouldn't stop and was wrestled out by his people!

[baitman]

BREAKING: Demba Ba has completed his £7million move from Newcastle United to Chelsea, after his wife agrees personal terms with John Terry.

[Tee]

[RoadEnd]

I know it's a couple of weeks late but...

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etDhW2GZzqw"]Funny Christmas Song Parody -Suck my cock - Lyrics included - YouTube[/ame]

[RichC]

My wife went ****ing mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino.
She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the **** out of me.
I just stood there, frozen to the spot.

The safest thing to do, as her vision's based mainly on movement.

[Neil Young]

Oh Dozy.

[RichC]

Sorry Nelly

[Boogs]

I've been watching so much porn I just spit on my cars trunk lock before I put the key in.

[Lee]

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your arsehole?"
"No", said Little Johnny.
His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer.
He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your arsehole?"
"No" said Little Johhny.
"Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies.
His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?"
Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your arsehole?"
His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!"
Little Johnny replied, "Then go **** yourself. These are my cookies!"

[Assassin]

[kev776]

I was really enjoying my walk on the beach with my new girlfriend, at least I was, til the LSD wore off and I realised I was dragging a stolen mannequin along the bypass.