Crap Jokes

[frank the tank]

After a long day at work, I came home to find my daughter and her boyfriend having sex on the kitchen table."What the **** do you think you're doing?!"



She said, as i began unzipping my trousers.

[kev776]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled.

Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.

'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.''

Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so ****in expensive'.

[Tee]

"suctioned herself to the floor"

[badpiggy]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled.

Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.

'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.''

Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so ****in expensive'.

[Leyton388]

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

[Frenchie]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they
****ed my wife after only five beers!"
_____________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your
house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me
measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
_____________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back,
I really should
have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________
My wife just came in and said
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a ****ing Down
Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
__________________________________________________ _
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I ****ed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you
think about me?" ....
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the
right answer .
__________________________________________________ _____________



A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table
Later when I'm drunk...."

[Boogs]

Survivors of the Egyptian balloon crash still can't believe it happened. A reporter said some are still in de-Nile

[tufty]

I was visiting my daughter the other day and asked her if I could borrow a newspaper

My 'know it all' daughter laughed sarcastically and said
" Dad, this is the 21st century, we don't waste money on newspapers, here you can borrow my laptop "

well I can tell you, that fly didn't know what the **** hit it !!

[Exiled_red]

[RoadEnd]

Apparently, Vicky Pryce has already joined the prison football team. They were desperate for a good penalty taker.

[baitman]

[slaine]

BREAKING NEWS:
Falklanders have voted to stay British 1,517 to 3.

In other island news Jose, Juan & Pedro woke up to find **** through their letterboxes

[Boogs]

Just a quick question:
Does burning piles of illegal child pornography create white or black smoke ?
Just so we know

[bacon]

Job interview:

"What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness.

"I don't give a f**k what you think."

[Maxiedge]

Job interview:

"What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness.

"I don't give a f**k what you think."

Class