Crap Jokes

[Kenneth]

A woman walks into a vets with her beloved Dog who's had a really poorly eye for the past week... She passes the dog to the vet and explains the situation..

About 5 minutes later after looking into its eyes he says I'm really sorry I'm going to have to put him down

She cries why ??? Cos he's got a poorly eye ???
Vet says no cos he's ****ing heavy .,,,

I like that one.

[Fivex]

John walks into a bar and sees his friend Slinks slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Slinks what's wrong.

"Well," replies Slinks, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies John with a laugh.

"Well," says Slinks, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says John, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Slinks, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says John,

"So I get to her door," says Slinks, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Slinks slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the ****ing face."

Brilliant

[destinydude]

Brill as hell

[Assassin]

John walks into a bar and sees his friend Slinks slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Slinks what's wrong.

"Well," replies Slinks, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies John with a laugh.

"Well," says Slinks, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says John, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Slinks, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says John,

"So I get to her door," says Slinks, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Slinks slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the ****ing face."

[Liverpel]

John walks into a bar and sees his friend Slinks slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Slinks what's wrong.

"Well," replies Slinks, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies John with a laugh.

"Well," says Slinks, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says John, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Slinks, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says John,

"So I get to her door," says Slinks, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Slinks slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the ****ing face."

[Debsju]

What do you get if you get nuts on a monkey ???

Monkey nuts



What do you get if you get nuts on a wall ???

Wall nuts


What do you get if you get nuts on your chest ???

Chestnuts



What do you get if you get nuts on your chin ????

A gob full of cock

[Boogs]

All Ken Barlow did was take a 15year old Escort to Kevin Webster's garage for a touch up...

[MrsB]

To all those who don't think rape jokes are a problem

[Blind Melon]

Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr. You've got to admit that the prison panto is looking good this year...

[frank the tank]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!

We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!
"
Whut fish?

What is long, hard and a bit ****ty at the end......................




















































One of kev776's jokes!

[Tee]

[kev776]

Very well, I have retired.

[Tee]

Very well, I have retired.

No you haven't.... well no you better not!

[Frenchie]

Maybe Gary Glitter did have a gang back then...

[Leyton388]

Maybe Gary Glitter did have a gang back then...