Crap Jokes

[baitman]

A nun is having a bath when there's a knock at the door.
The nun shouts 'who is it?'
A man at the door says ' it's the the blind man'
The nun replies "well come in'
The man enters and says 'nice tits but where do you want the blinds?'

[frank the tank]

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!!

[Slinky Skills]

[ame="https://youtu.be/oDz1VvLHamw"]It's an emu!!! - YouTube[/ame]

[baitman]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

[bacon]

A slightly drunk woman is watching tv and yells

"Don't go there! Don't go to the church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks "What are you watching ?"

"Our wedding video"

[Irishnev]

[ame="https://twitter.com/paddyraffcomedy/status/1613569557444050946"]https://twitter.com/paddyraffcomedy/status/1613569557444050946[/ame]

[Norbs]

[Slinky Skills]

[Slinky Skills]

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

[Buzzo]

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.

But…. (Finish it )

[RedAndWhite]

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.

But…. (Finish it )

[Fosterbloke]

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.

But…. (Finish it )

That's one for the older kids!

[bacon]

Is "blowjob" one word or is it "blow job" ? I hate writing Valentine's cards.

[baitman]

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s £250.
He says, “ £250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy! “She says, “Honey, follow me" and takes him outside.
“See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world”
So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great.
It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says "it’s £500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing.
He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”....🤣

[baitman]

A friend of mine has a really bad stutter, his nana died.
By the time he'd finished telling us we were all singing Hey Jude...