Originally posted by Natman
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Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend replies, "I ran over David Beckham".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."Comment
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A manc supporters coach has plummeted over a cliff killing all on board
the police arrive at the scene to find a Liverpool supporter sat on the edge of the cliff sobbing uncontrollably, his was the car the coach had been trying to overtake for some time
" You ok mate, I know it must be upsetting for you even though you're a Liverpool fan " says the copper
" Yeh, there was a couple of empty seats at the ****in back !! "
Keep this quiet
if you carefully grind off the edges of a 50p coin you can use it as a 10p
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The Pope decided to holiday in South West England this summer and one day parked his popemobile on a Cornish beach, got the deck chair out, a copy of FHM and started to take in some rays.
After half an hour a huge crowd gathered at the edge of the beach, with lots of gasps & screams coming from the throng the pope rushes over to investigate.
About 20 yards out a 30ft shark is tossing a man in a Man Utd shirt all over the surf. Just as the shark is lining up for the kill a speed boat appears with three men in Liverpool shirts
The first guy harpoons the shark, the second bashes it over the head with a club & the third hauls it into the boat before picking up the badly injured Manc.
The Pope is astonished & calls the three Scousers to the shore to commend them on there brave rescue.
"My sons , the courageous selfless act I have just witnessed deserves my papal blessing. This act of human kindness will be the start of love & peace in the North West, Thanks be to God"
As the Pope drives away the first Scouser says "Who the **** was that?"
The second replies "It's the Pope, he's in touch with God & knows everything"
The third Scouser says "Well he knows **** all about shark fishing does he, how's the bait holding up or do we need another?"Comment
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How do you circumsize a manc?
Kick his sister in the jaw!
What do you do if you see a manc crawling towards you bleeding
stop laughing, reload and shoot again
One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed. Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression. One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question.
After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok," she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Plastic-Ronaldo?
There was a Liverpool fan, a Scum fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Liverpool fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scum fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard.
The Scum fan was thinking: 'That Liverpool fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Scum fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Liverpool fan and got slapped for it.' And the Liverpool fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Scum ******* again, Harder.'
Why is the grass at Old Toilet nice and Green?
Because they put millions of pounds worth of ****e on it each week.Comment
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'and boy could he play!.Comment
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police arrest 6 men who on seeing a lad wearing a manure shirt set about him and kicked the living ****e out of him
when the case goes to court a witness is called
"why did you not help?" the judge asks
the man replies
"i thought 6 was enough to be honest"Comment
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The Gary Neville diaries
Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday
Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should of won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.
Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.
Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.Comment
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Viruses
The Manchester United Virus. This is where your PC thinks its far superior than any other PC and develops a memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before 1993.
The Roy Keane Virus. This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows.
The Alex Ferguson Virus. The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on screen clock runs a lot faster or slower (depending on how your days been) than all the other computers in the building.
The Neville Bros. Virus. Just when you think things can't get any worse, this one pops up and causes a calamitous error.
The Ryan Giggs Virus. The computer develops a processor problem, whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.
The Luke Chadwick Virus. This is a particularly ugly one.
The Manchester United Shirt Virus. This one is especially hard to detect as it changes it's format every 3 months.Comment
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FANTASTIC stuff here lads...I'm missing the England game for these!"I am a constant source of entertainment to myself"
"of all the seasons...of ALL the bloody seasons...
www.disclosureproject.orgComment
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How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.Comment
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