Thread for laughing at Chelsea :) and the Mancs

[cadmium]

I think Van der Sar's shirt stood for
Abominable In Goal

Carrick's
Anyone Intercepting Gattuso?

Like the avatar mate

[lfc4ever]

"Can I have some Viagra please," says Mourinho
"What's up?" says the doctor
"Its, really embarrassing," says Mourinho, " I don't really want to say"
"Come on, " says the doctor, "Don't be ashamed, I heard it all before"
"Well," says Mourinho, "for the last few years, all I've been able to get is a semi"

[Roboklopp]

Liverpool's Carragher: Mourinho as funny as Del Boy!
tribalfooball.com - May 01, 2007

Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher says he takes the goading from Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho with a pinch of salt.

The Liverpool player said: "He's the funniest thing to come out of London since Del Boy and Rodney.

"I do read all of the stuff that's said before and after the games, and I find most of it really funny.

"You hear all this about mind games but it has no impact on the players at all. I think the managers make a few comments and they get blown up because it's entertaining.

"Mourinho just says crazy things all the time. The southerners aren't known for their sense of humour, but Mourinho's press conferences put that right. You can't take what he says seriously most of the time."

ROTFL at "the southerners aren't known for their sense of humour"

[AFII]

[Roboklopp]

"Can I have some Viagra please," says Mourinho
"What's up?" says the doctor
"Its, really embarrassing," says Mourinho, " I don't really want to say"
"Come on, " says the doctor, "Don't be ashamed, I heard it all before"
"Well," says Mourinho, "for the last few years, all I've been able to get is a semi"

That joke would be better with the punchline- "for the last few years, I've bought all the whores in the world but all I've been able to get is a semi

[Shaggy]

This is great stuff. Being in Manchester today has been absolute ****ing delight. The SECOND I walked through the door at work this morning I saw a gaggle of blokes, all Mancs, standing around lamenting the debacle from the night before, with the glummest faces imaginable.

"Morning!", I chirped.

Smug. As. ****.

[AFII]

Hot on the heels of Chelsea`s attempts to conquer new markets by launching versions of its website in local languages, Chelsea FC are following up their initiatives in Mandarin and Korean by unveiling a version of the Chelseafc.com website in Scouse.

Commented Peter Kenyon, Chelsea FC`s CEO "We are delighted to be launching this website with our local partner Strawberry Fields Media. This is part of the club`s World Domination Strategy to conquer new markets by adapting our content to the needs and level of the local population"

"New Markets, however, don`t necessary have to be big countries on the other side of the planet. Our market penetration analysis indicated that, contrary to the rest of our natural domain, which is England, the general Merseyside area is impervious to the unstoppable juggernaut of Chelsea`s expansion. This is why we`ve produced a local website for local people".

"Whilst we appreciate that this is partly to do with existing brands having a stranglehold on the existing potential clients, we are convinced that this could change."

"The Blue half of Liverpool are unlikely to switch, as they tend to be intensely loyal, and quite frankly, noble. But our analysis has concluded that supporters of Liverpool FC tend to be schizophrenic. Whilst chuntering on endlessly and ad nauseam about their club, they are actually a rather fickle bunch who are, in any case, reaching the end of their tether with their club`s mediocrity. In addition, whilst we are talking about people with a limited capacity to process abstract concepts, even they can see the contradiction between all their self-generated guff about being a big club with their miserable under-achievement. With the right incentives, these people could abandon the so-called 'Rafalution` in their droves".

It is for this reason that Chelsea have adapted their content to the local market. The Scouse version of the website will contain all the usual content of ChelseaFC.com translated into the local vernacular. In addition, so as not to overload the local capacities, it will be compatible with the technical norms of that part of the world: a PC with a 486 processor and a 56K dial-up modem will need barely 45 seconds to open the average page. "This is luxury for the area. Plus those lucky Scousers who have managed to upgrade to a Pentium I or even II could expect to reduce this to 30 seconds per page" commented Gavin Geek, the technical genius in charge of simplifying drastically Chelsea`s website for this exciting new venture.

In line with Chelsea policy of avoiding discrimination, the Scouse website will avoid any of the usual offensive stereotypes about the people of Liverpool. "Clichés about stealing hub-caps, bad shellsuits, the DHSS or bubble perms will be strenuously avoided, they are simply not funny" said Business Director Steven Suit.

However, there will be a serious attempt to adapt to local traditions and customs. "the Scouse Website will be attempting to keep abreast of the day`s 'one minute silence`. We hope to incorporate our respects to the untimely demise of someone`s cousin`s goldfish or whatever it is this time around into the delay it might take to download a high-resolution picture" Mr Suit added.

"In addition, we`ll have no hesitation in flattering the local conceit that Scousers are funny and the salt of the earth, and that they are the bestest, fairest and most knowledgeable football fans in the world".

Of course, to help with the transition from Liverpool to Chelsea, the first few months of use will help our future converts feel at home. "Yes, we will be adopting - temporarily - the usual unquestioning obsequy as regards Ickle Stevie Gerrard, sorry Steven Gerrard. For the locals, we`ll play along with their delusions that the furrow-browed one really is the best midfielder in the world and that he never ever dives."

"Furthermore, we`ll try as we might not to reference either the girth or the over-active perspiration glands of Tubby Benitez. By virtue of Microsoft Word auto-correct options, we can automatically add the phrase 'tactical genius` to his name".

However, Chelsea also issued a warning to its usual fans. "Unless you are Scouse, please do not, under any circumstances, try to access the Scouse version of the website. Apart from anything else, you will probably find the Korean website less incomprehensible".

"Furthermore, our usual fans might find the content of this website offensive. It goes without saying that Scouse fans are no different from any others, although I would say that they sing appallingly: 'You`ll Never Walk Alone` is a dreadful and mawkish dirge. And, let us be clear, Scousers are not born comedians. Actually they aren`t even funny. However, we do need to flatter their own silly image of themselves. Which is why all of the people contributing content to our new venture will be learning to type with their fingers crossed".

"Finally, let us warn everybody else that the 'comment` section of the website, where fans are allowed to post their views, will be completely un-monitored. Posting there will be the electronic equivalent of throwing your letter into the waste-paper basket; we`ll publish people`s submissions automatically without mediation. It`s the bitter experience of people running a site for any club other than Liverpool that the Liverpool fans` comments are unmanageable with their illogical and badly-written rants about history and cavalier attitude towards the caps-lock key. So we won`t even bother to manage these submissions, but allow them the illusion that their views are being taken into account. The truth is that we couldn`t give a rat`s arse."

CLICKY

[TheStig]

This is great stuff. Being in Manchester today has been absolute ****ing delight. The SECOND I walked through the door at work this morning I saw a gaggle of blokes, all Mancs, standing around lamenting the debacle from the night before, with the glummest faces imaginable.

"Morning!", I chirped.

Smug. As. ****.

Should have drove round with wthe indows down and YNWA on loud in your car!

[Red_Polo]

How are your flat mates, polo? Dissapointed?!

Nah tbh none of them really give a **** about football, which does my head in at times. It's ****ing fantastic walking about in a Liverpool top round here though, you see peoples faces drop as they see you etc

[lfc4ever]

Lies, damned lies, and statistics

Man Yoo are way better than us in the CL, Semi-Final appearance stats tells you that this is so:

Man Utd 9, Liverpool 8.

Ergo, they must be better than us then.

[Red_Polo]

Lies, damned lies, and statistics

Man Yoo are way better than us in the CL, Semi-Final appearance stats tells you that this is so:

Man Utd 9, Liverpool 8.

Ergo, they must be better than us then.

And finals?

[hairykewell]

deleted my post my answer to my question was found on a previous page.

[Owen20]

[captainfog]

Aig

[Maestro]