Crap Jokes

[Fivex]

[Subby]

Nabbing that one lol

[Dessy]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

[Fivex]

Brilliant

[kev776]

Went to the office party last night and got hammered.
When I woke up this morning and came downstairs for breakfast there was two sausages, two rashers of bacon, a fried egg, fried bread, baked beans and a sock on my plate.
I held it up and asked
'WHAT the **** is that doing on my plate?
She replied.
You were really drunk when you got home.
You took your clothes off, climbed into bed, lay on your back and said,
'Can you cook my sock!'

[Angryred]

Haha...having that one!

[kev776]

Twin sisters in a Liverpool Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the Toxteth Evening newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"
said the other.
"Now get a little closer together,"
said the cameraman.
Again,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,"
said the photographer.
Same again,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,
"Good God!
BOTH OF US????"

[kev776]

minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol .. . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!

[Fivex]

Based on the first let down I'm not going to read the second one.

[BJC]

Deleted .

[baitman]

too soon

[ChesterDave]

Presumably that is the same joke that the lad from Sunderland was arrested for?

[Kenneth]

Arrested for ?

[ChesterDave]

I don't know if it was specifically that tweet but a chap from Sunderland is being investigated for 'malicious' communication in relation to a tweet about the incident. He handed himself in to a police station last night

[Slinky Skills]

Why did the thief go for a shower before robbing the bank?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.