Crap Jokes

[Resu]

My dog kept setting off the house alarm in the night.
My wife told me to disable it so I broke its front legs with a golf club.

Waits for Neil..............

[truefan999]

I was chattin up a girl in a club last night,
I said to her, you remind me of my little toe,
She said is that because I'm small and cute,
I said No - its because I just know I'm gonna end up banging you on the coffee tabel!!

[truefan999]

I tried erotic asphyxiation on my girlfried the other night when we were being intimate. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment.

[Subby]

I tried erotic asphyxiation on my girlfried the other night when we were being intimate. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment.

genuine lolol

[fidget]

How do you make a bear cross?

Lay one across the other and nail them together.

[truefan999]

Sorry I've not been in touch.

I've been in France competing in a strawberry crushing contest.

I came 2nd, and a woman with no legs won. The Jammy cunt!

[truefan999]

A vicar goes to his hotel reception an asks if the porn channel is disabled?

And the receptionist replies" no its just regular porn you ****ing dirty *******!"

[truefan999]

A man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his tool.

He says" do you like it that much?" She says: 'no i just miss mine'

[truefan999]

A kid came up to me the other day and asked "Whats your favourite Telly Tubby?" So i said "Probably the new Samsung Wide screen, you cheeky little cunt!"

[Subby]

I have three daughters:
Daisy- 9
Polly- 8
Jane- 6.

They're all amazing, but Jane only gets a 6 because she's **** at blow jobs. Cracking tits, though.

[Subby]

Teacher " What vegetable is round brings tears to your eye's"
Little Jonny "A cabbage Miss".
Teacher "No silly, its an onion"
little Jonny" Well its obvious you've never been hit in the balls with a cabbage".

[ken dodds dog]

George Best and Alex Higgins are very excited.

They just found out heaven is getting a Winehouse

[Muddled]

Amy Winehouse has been found dead in her flat; Pete Docherty was found there sniffing her crack

[Leyton388]

Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

[Subby]

I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I'd try my luck.

I said, "Simon says take your top off." Off it came.

"Simon says take off your bra." Out came the tits.

After I'd groped them for a while, I said, "Simon says get naked and bend over."

I ****ed her hard up the arse and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming.

It's great having a knife called Simon.