Crap Jokes

[johnc121]

My new girlfriend was upset because she thought I didn't like her cooking. So, to prove her wrong, I had another slice of gravy

[johnc121]

The instructions on my insect killer: 'Do Not Spray Near The Eyes' **** being that particular, I'll just spray the whole wasp...

[5europeancups]

My mate just asked me if he could put a tea bag in my mouth and fill it with water. He must think I'm some sort of mug

[Maxiedge]

My mate just asked me if he could put a tea bag in my mouth and fill it with water. He must think I'm some sort of mug

stealing that!

[ralpal]

I wanted to start up a game of football between two teams of only dwarfs. It would be a game of 22 halves...

[Stanbull]

A man has been caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers

[Airman]

Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Dutch finally have risen their threat level from "Hide the Masterpieces"
to "Hide the Bicycles". The two higher threat levels are: "Hide the Cheese"
and "Pull the fingers out of the Dikes".

Meanwhile, Washington has announced that there will be no change to the strategy that has served the country so well over the last 100 years. A spokesperson confirmed that the guiding principles remained as "Sit on the fence until you know who is winning" followed by "Bomb the crap out of everything then find out who's side they were on".

[Subby]

As the taxi driver dropped me off last night, he said, "That's £16 please."

I gave him a twenty and said, "Keep it."

"Are you serious?" he asked.

I said, "Yeah, I'm in a good mood."

He said, "**** off you ****, you owe me another £15.80."

[ralpal]

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop



An Amish drive-by shooting

[ralpal]

How many nails in a lesbian's coffin?

None - its all tongue and groove

[Subby]

I often ask myself what the hell I was thinking when I became a father.

Then I remember it was "Oh God, yes, yes, yes!"

[Subby]

To build a bit of tension, I decided to use the "long pause" technique beloved of talent shows before I announced the result.

After about ten seconds the Judge said, "A simple Guilty, or Not Guilty will suffice Mr Foreman."

[JohnOK]

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years with broken glasses, a broken arm and two broken legs.

His friend asked him what happened and he replied that his date had stood him up.

[Liverpel]

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years with broken glasses, a broken arm and two broken legs.

His friend asked him what happened and he replied that his date had stood him up.

[Subby]

I was at an S&M party with my cock in this woman's arse when I realised I'd forgotten my toys just as she moaned, "Aren't you going to spank me?"


I thought to myself, "For ****s sake, I'm up **** creek without a paddle."