Crap Jokes

[baitman]

cant be arsed, so her is a diy joke for you...

something about the brazilian team and shaved fannies...

yeh, it just needs finishing off, but im sure it will be a cracker.

[Norbs]

Finish the frigging joke...

[baitman]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,

' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says,

'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:

'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, !

'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Bugger it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says,

'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,

'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T You shut the hell up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

ONLY WHEN HES P1SSED

[baitman]

Two married women go to a bar for a girls' night out.
After way too many cocktails, they decide they should walk home.
Stumbling past a graveyard, they both decide they need to pee, and nip in and squat behind some tombstones. They realize they don't have any kleenex for wiping, so one girl takes off her panties, uses them to wipe and throws them away. The other one doesn't want to spoil her expensive matching bra and panty set, so she scratches around in the dark and finds a ribbon from a wreath, which does the job.
After that they make their way home.
The next day, husband No. 1 phones husband No.2. He says "This girls' night out thing has got to stop! Last night my wife came home with no panties on!" Husband No. 2: "That's nothing! My wife came home with a card stuck on her ass that read 'From all of us at the fire station. We'll never forget you!!"

[Gray]

I rang babestation last night, the girl answered and said "hi, what can I do for you...?" I said "****in hide, I've lost the remote and my missus is coming down the stairs"

[PTP]

[lfcchris]

Bought a new dictionary before and everything starts with an E!

[Kenneth]

That's bad. Very bad.

[Subby]

Bought a new dictionary before and everything starts with an E!

I don't get it

[RoadEnd]

"Everything" starts with an "E"

[Subby]

Just been down to watch the coxless five down in London....

Or 'One Direction', as everyone seems to call them.

[Subby]

Oh aye....I'm not long awake and the head isn't working right yet lol

[Subby]

Football has the World Cup.
Golf has the Ryder Cup.
Tennis has the Davis Cup.
Women's athletics has the A-Cup.

[Liverpel]

I rang babestation last night, the girl answered and said "hi, what can I do for you...?" I said "****in hide, I've lost the remote and my missus is coming down the stairs"

[Subby]

Maria Sharapova loses badly to Serena Williams in the Olympic Tennis final.

Not the first time a black man has robbed a tourist of gold in London.