Crap Jokes

[Carras_Shin_Pads]

My wife went ****ing mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino.
She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the **** out of me.
I just stood there, frozen to the spot.

The safest thing to do, as her vision's based mainly on movement.

lol'ed at that

[kev776]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.... "I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered ...

'Is that one word or two?'

[Carras_Shin_Pads]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[tufty]

[baitman]

LFC have decided to appeal the 2 red cards Howard Webb will give them against Man Utd on Sunday.

[Liverpel]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[kev776]

A fleeing Egyptian Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find an old Jewish tailor selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The tailor replied, “There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5.”
The Taliban shouted, “You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the tailor, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our family restaurant, it is owned by my brother Emmanuel. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... “They won't let me in without a f******g tie.”

[Norbs]

I remember seeing Tommy Cooper do that one

[kev776]

"The wife came back with her fancy dress costume earlier.
"wait there" she said to me" " I'll nip upstairs and try it on for you"
She came back down , opened the living room door and stood before me.
"wow love, that's got to be the most convincing Killer whale I've ever seen"

"I'm a nun, you ****"

[tufty]

went to bed last night with a girl who had a plasticine fanny

didn't manage to get my cock in but I think I made a good impression

[Subby]

Taxi!!!

[kev776]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new tazer!

[kev776]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,
as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards……
forwards then backwards………Back and forth.….
back and forth.….In and out, in and out.... Her heart
was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she
moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!!
"OK !... OK!... I CANT park the ****ing car!
You do it you SMUG *******!"

[little dave hedgehog]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new tazer!

this is terrifying.

[Kinell]

terrifyingly brilliant.