Crap Jokes

[kev776]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Kenneth]

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

[Norbs]

[baitman]

The Filipino government have thanked the British Govt for the rescue dogs they sent out after the hurricane.They said they were delicious.



there was a nasty incident at the Nestles factory today when a worker was trapped under a consignment of chocolate bars for hours....every time he shouted " the milky bars are on me " everyone cheered.


My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.Half way through he said to the bloke,don't forget to put the tomahawk in his hand.The bloke said give us a ****ing chance mate I've only just finished his turban.



I was in the pub the other night telling a group of girls I could arse read.I explained it was a bit like palm reading,but I needed to stick my finger up their arsehole to do it.Within 5 mins I was with a blonde in the toilet cubicle,knuckle deep. "Right,let's see"I said,having a poke,"for a start,I can tell you're very ****ing gullible".



I thought I'd give the post lady a surprise this morning.So I sneaked up to the door naked and flopped my cock through they letterbox.Don't know what surprised her more,my cock in the letterbox,or the fact I knew where she lived.


A cockney and a scouser go into gregg's.the scouser steals 3 pasties and puts them in his pocket,then boasts to the cockney "did you see that? The staff never saw me."
The cockney says "that's nothing! Watch this"and goes into the shop.
He says to the manager,"give me 3 pasties and i'll show you some magic."
He eats them all and the manager says,"How is that magic?"
The cockney replied, "check that scouser's pocket"!!

[Liverpel]

The Filipino government have thanked the British Govt for the rescue dogs they sent out after the hurricane.They said they were delicious.



there was a nasty incident at the Nestles factory today when a worker was trapped under a consignment of chocolate bars for hours....every time he shouted " the milky bars are on me " everyone cheered.


My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.Half way through he said to the bloke,don't forget to put the tomahawk in his hand.The bloke said give us a ****ing chance mate I've only just finished his turban.



I was in the pub the other night telling a group of girls I could arse read.I explained it was a bit like palm reading,but I needed to stick my finger up their arsehole to do it.Within 5 mins I was with a blonde in the toilet cubicle,knuckle deep. "Right,let's see"I said,having a poke,"for a start,I can tell you're very ****ing gullible".



I thought I'd give the post lady a surprise this morning.So I sneaked up to the door naked and flopped my cock through they letterbox.Don't know what surprised her more,my cock in the letterbox,or the fact I knew where she lived.


A cockney and a scouser go into gregg's.the scouser steals 3 pasties and puts them in his pocket,then boasts to the cockney "did you see that? The staff never saw me."
The cockney says "that's nothing! Watch this"and goes into the shop.
He says to the manager,"give me 3 pasties and i'll show you some magic."
He eats them all and the manager says,"How is that magic?"
The cockney replied, "check that scouser's pocket"!!

[ChesterDave]

Just popped to ASDA and saw a dwarf in the car park struggling to carry a TV to his car so I shouted over
"you want a hand with that tv mate?".
The Dwarf yelled back
"**** off you **** its a Kindle"

[Boogs]

Just popped to ASDA and saw a dwarf in the car park struggling to carry a TV to his car so I shouted over
"you want a hand with that tv mate?".
The Dwarf yelled back
"**** off you **** its a Kindle"

[kev776]

well its nearly that time of the year when we should all remember the jolly man with long white hair, who emptied his sack and bought joy to all the children out there.....

god i miss Jimmy savile

[Blind Melon]

My Chinese neighbour told me he just opened a crows shop.
I said don’t you mean a clothes shop?
He said a crows shop
I said, OK, I might pop down for a rook

[baitman]

[Norbs]

My Chinese neighbour told me he just opened a crows shop.
I said don’t you mean a clothes shop?
He said a crows shop
I said, OK, I might pop down for a rook

[kev776]

So I went to doctors and he tells me.. I've got some bad news for you - one of your balls is made of wood and other one's made of steel. But that's impossible I replied. I have 2 healthy children. 'How old are they?' he asked.. well Pinocchio's 6 and Terminators 12!'

[baitman]

How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to cunt a lightbollocks?

[Norbs]

Lowering the bar with those two, lads

[slaine]

Hundreds of dyslexic Mourners laying flowers outside Nissan main dealer...