Crap Jokes

[Kloppster]

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in
the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say '**** you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun
in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Kloppster]

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.


Step 2: Print a 3D printer.


Step 3: Return the 3D printer...

[RedAndWhite]

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.


Step 2: Print a 3D printer.


Step 3: Return the 3D printer...

[kingfunk]

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

[Drew Peacock]

I went to see the doctor with my blonde wife:

"We've been trying & trying for a baby for months," said my wife. "I want to check everything is OK biologically - sometimes I think my husband doesn't care whether I get pregnant or not."

"Do you think you could provide an egg sample?" said the doctor.

"Yes," said my wife. "Last time we had sex he pulled out and came on my face."

[baitman]

[baitman]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around the classroom.


The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”

“No, not at all Miss. He really plays football for everton, but I was too embarrassed to say.”

[Norbs]

I went to see the doctor with my blonde wife:

"We've been trying & trying for a baby for months," said my wife. "I want to check everything is OK biologically - sometimes I think my husband doesn't care whether I get pregnant or not."

"Do you think you could provide an egg sample?" said the doctor.

"Yes," said my wife. "Last time we had sex he pulled out and came on my face."

[Camble]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.



The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.



Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.



“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.

Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”



There were gasps around the classroom.





The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”



“No, not at all Miss. He really plays football for everton, but I was too embarrassed to say.”

Haha brilliant.

[kev776]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai

[Red_Polo]

That's not poor taste, it's just poor!

[Fivex]

Sounds like Tim Vine?

[Saveloy]

That's not poor taste, it's just poor!

Speaking of which...

"How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot."

I thank you. If veal was available I'd recommend it all week long.

[baitman]

Sounds like Tim Vine?

tim vine is anti-comedy. what a cheesy bell.

[kev776]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "Quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove past'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have visitors,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'