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Keep this quiet
if you carefully grind off the edges of a 50p coin you can use it as a 10p
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Two young boys walk into a chemist one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy,
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now he can't do any of the ****ers."....Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law.Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a path
way for a hundred years, when one day an angel
comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do
the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you **** on its head.'Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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Benjamin Button
Benjamin Who
Benjamin
Who's there?
Knock knockFootball without Origi is nothingComment
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family..
'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
On board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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just bought a pair of Meatloaf branded underpants
on the front it says " I'll do anything for love "
on the back its says " ...but I won't do that ! "
Keep this quiet
if you carefully grind off the edges of a 50p coin you can use it as a 10p
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Women are so violent today!
I asked this girl out for Valentines day tomorrow, offered to take her to a fancy restaurant, see a film and promised her the best sex of her life.
I even said her goth look was a turn on...
Bitch punched me so hard, I fell backwards into her husbands grave!Comment
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked ...
”Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans ... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a ****in lesbian!'Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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Originally posted by ChesterDave View Post waaaaaay to clever to be in this thread
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.Comment
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Not sure if been posted before ....
I feared my wife had Tourette's, so I took her to see a psychiatrist.
The good news? She's not got it.
The bad news? I am a c**t and she does want me to f**k off.Comment
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Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid ! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny !
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed ! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid"Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabradorFootball without Origi is nothingComment
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