Scum jokes

[pondus]

Think it's about time we have a thread to make fun of those mancs, eh?



A guy goes to the doctors and says to the doc; "there's something wrong with my arse". Doctor says "what is it", so the guy says "my arse keeps singing glory glory man utd", and the doc says "dont worry, its normal, all arse holes sing that".

[pondus]

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum *******. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting ****e, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the ****er with the door!"

[pondus]

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

[pondus]

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now **** off".

[pondus]

[pondus]

A Man Utd fan is walking home late when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid and Im yours" she whispers.
He's never been with a hooker before but he thinks "Ah what the heck? after all its only 20 quid. I might as well give it a try just this once."
So they disappear into the bushes.
They've been doing the rude business for a few minutes when a light flashes on them. They look up and see a police officer.
"Whats going on here then?" asks the officer.
"Er, Im just making love to my wife, officer," the Man Utd supporter answers quickly.
"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop "I didn't know."
"Well," says the United supporter "Until you shone the torch in her face, neither did I!"

[pondus]

A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope.
Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said:

"don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you".

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says:

"don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you".

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt.

The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:

"I thought I told you to **** off yesterday?"

[pondus]

Gary Neville goes to the doctors and says:

" Doctor everytime I look in the mirror I get aroused "

"of course you do" says the doctor "Your a Cunt"

[pondus]

Gary Neville and Phil Neville are sat in their local on a Sunday, with the family dog they've just taken for a stroll. All of a suddenly, a young guy walks in, walks over to them and lifts up the dogs tail, before turning around and walking back out. Gary gives Phil a confused look, but just ignores it. A minute later, the same happens again. This time, Gary calls the guy back and says "You're the 2nd guy to do that today, why did you lift my dogs tail up for?" The guy replies, "there's some fellas stood outside telling everyone there's a dog in here with 2 arseholes."

[Reece]

I can't wait to hear these jokes.

[pondus]

A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan

The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."

[pondus]

On the return journey from an away match the Man Utd team bus crashed killing several players. On arriving at the Pearly Gates the players were told by St. Peter that they would have to confess their sins before they were allowed into Heaven. Roy Keane was the first in the queue and St. Peter asked him "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" Keane replied "I did once just brush it with the tip of my finger". "Dip the tip of your finger into the bowl of Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.



Paul Scholes was the next in the queue. "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" asked St. Peter. "I did once toss him off" replied Scholes. "Wash your hand in that Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.



All of a sudden there was a scuffling in the queue and Nicky Butt pushed through to the front ahead of David Beckham."What's going on there?" asked St. Peter. "Well," said Butt, "If I'm going to have to stick my tongue in that bowl of Holy Water, I want to get there before Beckham dunks his arse in it."

[pondus]

3 football fans are leaving the big game, one from Brighton, one from Chelsea, and one from Manchester United, when they come across the body of a dead woman lying naked in the middle of the road. Not sure what they should do, the Brighton fan takes off his supporters cap and places it over her left breast. The Chelsea supporter follows suit, placing his cap over her right breast, finally the Manchester United supporter places his Mancheser United cap over her 'lower regions', and they decide they should call the police.
Several minutes later the policeman arrives and goes over to the body to inspect it. First he lifts the Brighton cap, and looks briefly at her left breast. Next he lifts the Chelsea cap, looking briefly at the woman's right breast. Finally he lifts the Mancheser United supporters cap off the woman, but instead of looking briefly, he stares at the woman's 'privates' for about 2 minutes.
Putting the cap down the police man thinks to himself and lifts the cap again. This time staring for about 5 minutes. The supporters think this kind of behaviour a little strange, and when the policeman finally finishes staring and comes over to them, they ask him what he had been looking at for so long.
The policeman replies: "It's the darnedest thing, but that's the first time I've ever seen anything other than an arsehole under an Manchester United cap"

[pondus]

Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Toilet?

It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

[Natman]

Lookin forward going to work with these,Cheers mate