The jokes thread

[jhonytaibu]

1) A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”

2) First man: I am so miser that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.
Second man: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.

[badpiggy]

what's brown and rhymes with snoop?






























































dr.dre

[Kenneth]

[Joe King]

The Seven Dwarfs were in a hot tub and feeling happy. So Happy got out and left the tub.

[Gray]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?"


To loud applause Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up onto the stage.

Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.


Then the Geordies start chanting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says, "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance".

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"


After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.


Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"


Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ……


































"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Liverpel]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?"


To loud applause Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up onto the stage.

Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.


Then the Geordies start chanting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says, "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance".

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"


After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.


Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"


Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ……


































"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[sniffer]

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!" Mick says "Did you see who did it?" Paddy says "No, but I got the registration !!



Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams, however Tess was reluctant to take on his surname



Paddy and mick went to the sperm donors in london. What a disaster paddy missed the tube and mick came on the bus

[Fan65]

So I bought Tiger Woods latest book titled "My favourite 18 holes"

Imagine my surprise when I found it was all about golf.

[Gray]

Just driving my new toyota....Chat later- can't stop!

[Tee]

Just driving my new toyota....Chat later- can't stop!

[The Glove]

Bloke goes to the doctors and the Doc says 'Im sorry but you have a rare condition called Yellow 24, there isnt a known cure and its called that because your blood turns yellow and you die within 24 hours. I suggest you go home and enjoy it.'

He gets home and he tells his his wife.

'Come the bingo with me'
'What? Its my last night, Im not going the ****ing bingo'
'Please hunny, for me, just this one time'

So he goes the bingo.

First game, he wins four corners, £35
Second game, he wins middle line, £70
Third Game, he wins ful house £200
The national game comes up, he wins £250,000

The bingo caller comes over to him and says, 'You know, In the 35 years Ive been doing this job I have never seen anyone win every game, you are the luckiest man alive'
'Lucky? you call me lucky? Ive got yellow24'
'**** me' says the bingo caller, 'Youve won the raffle as well'

[dave edwards]

Bloke goes to the doctors and the Doc says 'Im sorry but you have a rare condition called Yellow 24, there isnt a known cure and its called that because your blood turns yellow and you die within 24 hours. I suggest you go home and enjoy it.'

He gets home and he tells his his wife.

'Come the bingo with me'
'What? Its my last night, Im not going the ****ing bingo'
'Please hunny, for me, just this one time'

So he goes the bingo.

First game, he wins four corners, £35
Second game, he wins middle line, £70
Third Game, he wins ful house £200
The national game comes up, he wins £250,000

The bingo caller comes over to him and says, 'You know, In the 35 years Ive been doing this job I have never seen anyone win every game, you are the luckiest man alive'
'Lucky? you call me lucky? Ive got yellow24'
'**** me' says the bingo caller, 'Youve won the raffle as well'

[Kenneth]

Lame ones:

A black bit of tarmac and a green bit of tarmac are sitting at the bar. A red bit of tarmac comes in and spills the black bit of tarmac's drink. The black bit of tarmac goes to remonstrate with him, but the green bit of tarmac intervenes: "Don't mess with him. He's a bit of a cycle path".



What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy after he turned up to the inflatable school with a pin?

You've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the school down.



Hanna-Barbera has imposed quotas on repeats of The Flintstones in some areas. The Mayor of Dubai told reporters: 'We're very unhappy. People in Dubai don't get to see The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do.'

[The Glove]

English Fella, Irsih fella and a scottish fella being held by the Taliban (or insert dictator of choice)

'Right infidels, you are to be executed' said the evil guard. 'Unless you can sing me a sing me a song about a dog, as you are evil dogs'.

First up is the English fella, 'How much is that doggy in the window...'
'Thats enough evil pig dog infidel, get out of my jail.'

Next up, the Scottish fella, 'You aint nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time..'
'Good choice because you are a hound evil pig dog, get out of my jail'

Third up is the Irish fella. He goes straight into 'Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, Wondering in the night, What were the chances...'
'Are you MAD infidel pig dog? Do you want to die? I said song about a dog, how is this about a dog??'
Irish fella goes, 'Hang on a minute........Scooby Dooby Doooo'

[Reece]

English Fella, Irsih fella and a scottish fella being held by the Taliban (or insert dictator of choice)

'Right infidels, you are to be executed' said the evil guard. 'Unless you can sing me a sing me a song about a dog, as you are evil dogs'.

First up is the English fella, 'How much is that doggy in the window...'
'Thats enough evil pig dog infidel, get out of my jail.'

Next up, the Scottish fella, 'You aint nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time..'
'Good choice because you are a hound evil pig dog, get out of my jail'

Third up is the Irish fella. He goes straight into 'Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, Wondering in the night, What were the chances...'
'Are you MAD infidel pig dog? Do you want to die? I said song about a dog, how is this about a dog??'
Irish fella goes, 'Hang on a minute........Scooby Dooby Doooo'

The joke you had as your facebook status over the w/e made me lol.