The jokes thread

[The Glove]

This one?

Shocked to hear the news about a friend of mine who is a teacher and she was caught having sex with one of her pupils. Shes lost her career, her marraige, her house and her freedom. Schoolboy error.

[Reece]

Yep

[The Glove]

The Seven Dwarfs were in a hot tub and feeling happy. So Happy got out and left the tub.

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves were not happy.

[5europeancups]

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

[Gray]

Split up with the missus last night. She said I think about football more than her. I was devastated, I've been with her 8 seasons.

[Carras_Shin_Pads]

Bloke goes to the doctors and the Doc says 'Im sorry but you have a rare condition called Yellow 24, there isnt a known cure and its called that because your blood turns yellow and you die within 24 hours. I suggest you go home and enjoy it.'

He gets home and he tells his his wife.

'Come the bingo with me'
'What? Its my last night, Im not going the ****ing bingo'
'Please hunny, for me, just this one time'

So he goes the bingo.

First game, he wins four corners, £35
Second game, he wins middle line, £70
Third Game, he wins ful house £200
The national game comes up, he wins £250,000

The bingo caller comes over to him and says, 'You know, In the 35 years Ive been doing this job I have never seen anyone win every game, you are the luckiest man alive'
'Lucky? you call me lucky? Ive got yellow24'
'**** me' says the bingo caller, 'Youve won the raffle as well'

Thats class

[Stanbull]

Guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal for the first time. He said "If it hurts too much, you yell the safety word and I'll stop"
She said "ok whats the safety word?"

He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantsilli ogogogoch"

[Subby]

Split up with the missus last night. She said I think about football more than her. I was devastated, I've been with her 8 seasons.

I'm stealing that one

[Paul.S]

Guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal for the first time. He said "If it hurts too much, you yell the safety word and I'll stop"
She said "ok whats the safety word?"

He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantsilli ogogogoch"

If she had brains she'd shorten it to Llanfair P.G

[sniffer]

Just been to HMV looking for grand theft auto. The sales assistant wanted me to describe it to her. I told her it's about a black man driving around with a iron bar, crashing cars, shagging whores and evading police. Stupid woman gave me tiger woods PGA tour 2010.

[MrsB]

[JohnOK]

Jim was speaking to his friend Ian after a heavy workout session

"Since i've been taking these steroids, i've grown an extra cock" Jim said
"Anabolic" replied Ian
"No, just a cock"

[Kenneth]

Jim was speaking to his friend Ian after a heavy workout session

"Since i've been taking these steroids, i've grown an extra cock" Jim said
"Anabolic" replied Ian
"No, just a cock"

[JohnOK]

Mike was meeting up with his friend John for a pint after his holiday:

"I'm just back from a holiday with the wife in the Caribbean" Mike said
"Jamaica?" replied John
"No, she wanted to come"

[Paul.S]

Elephant Rape

Man goes to the doctors...

"Doctor, Doctor, I was raped by an elephant...."

the doctor tells the man to bend over the table so that he can examine him. The man takes his trousers down and the doctor is horrified...

"An elephant's penis isn't this big! Neither is its trunk!?"

"no, but the ****er fingered me first!"