Crap Jokes

[Subby]

I think 9/11 was a big misunderstanding.

Mohammad's pizza got the wrong end of the stick when somebody on the 81st floor ordered two large plains.

[Blind Melon]

I put a large load in the dishwasher last night... As usual, she spat it out

[Subby]

I put a large load in the dishwasher last night... As usual, she spat it out

[Tee]

[Subby]

Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to **** it up its arse. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says: "What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us? Let's destroy the evidence."

So he sticks a straw up the arse and starts sucking. At some point he looks up to me and says: "I've had enough! You have a go."

Disgusted, I said: "**** off, you cunt! Not with the same straw!"

[ken dodds dog]

Gave the mrs

already done above

doh

[Subby]

chop chop 12 days late with that one lol

[rodo]

Everton fans have been stunned by the news that manager David Moyes has been dead since March 2005. The amazing news came to light when club physio, Ted Barker broke ranks and reported the death to local authorities.
Speaking from outside the Everton training ground at Bellefield, Barker said:
‘We were going for the Champions League and we didn’t want anything to rock the boat, I realise now that we were wrong but I can’t believe we got away with it for so long’.
‘We thought we’d be ok for a few games but no-one seemed to notice so we just kept going’.
Moyes, 47 passed away during a home game against Manchester United, where after seeing his team score a vital goal, the pale faced Glaswegian suffered a heart attack and died whilst leaning against the Everton dugout.
Barker described how events unfolded:
‘At first we thought he was just concentrating on the match, but when the final whistle went and he didn’t move we realised something was wrong.’
‘We were scared that we’d lose our top players if David wasn’t in charge and were prepared to try anything to keep him at the helm’.
‘He never was much of a talker and most people couldn’t understand him anyway so we strapped a tape recorder that said ‘blow it out yer arse yer *******’ on a 2 minute loop and hoped for the best’
For Barker and the Everton hierarchy ‘the best’ was better than anyone could have hoped for, the club enjoyed consistent league success and even managed an FA Cup appearance where they were unlucky to lose to then Champions Chelsea.
Phil Neville, who scored the winning penalty against Manchester United in that season’s Wembley semi final said at the time that he had been inspired by his managers ‘calmness under pressure’ and that the lads still talked about how they were inspired by his ‘ice cold stare’ before the shoot out.
Although the corpse suffered severe decomposition people assumed this was down to the Scotsman’s diet of Tennants Super Strength and a deep rooted bitterness caused by the sale of Julian Lescott to Manchester City.
In recent weeks friends had even described him as looking animated and full of colour, however this flush of health was tragically the result of rising temperatures and the growth of a maggot farm under his left nostril.
The FA have promised to look into events at Goodison Park but club officials claim that there is nothing in the rules preventing a dead person from managing in English competitions.
‘Alan Ball did it with Manchester City and even Bobby Robson managed a couple of seasons up at Newcastle so we’re not expecting any punishment for the club’ said club Chairman Bill Kenwright.
Merseyside Police say they have already received a number of compensation claims from fans of both Merseyside clubs but that they are not treating the death as suspicious.

[fidget]

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It's mostly drum and bass.

[Kenneth]

FLMAO

[Norbs]

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It's mostly drum and bass.

[truefan999]

No matter how much I clean my Cyndi Lauper CD, the bloody thing keeps playing the same track.Time after Time.........

[fidget]

No matter how much I clean my Cyndi Lauper CD, the bloody thing keeps playing the same track.Time after Time.........

Poor/bad taste?


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alzheimers
Alzheimers who?
Knock knock

[fidget]

Woman buys a wall mirror at B&Q
The assistant says do you want a screw for that.
She says no but i'll suck your cock for a lawnmower.

I'm here all week.

[fidget]

My dog kept setting off the house alarm in the night.
My wife told me to disable it so I broke its front legs with a golf club.