Crap Jokes

[red evil kenevil]

*On sale now at Boots... Limited edition 'Everton' viagra pills ...
For those moments when all you can manage is a semi.

[Exiled_red]

[kev776]

Thought of the Day when the Mrs came
into the lounge and says
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the
footy finishes".


� I went to see a psychic last weekend and was told that I
would be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called
Penny..... ****ing spooky or what!!!



� Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman
serves them and asks
"You guys been on vacation yet?"
"We're off to England next week" says Jeff
"We go every year."
Barman says
"England's great; the culture, history, the Queen. "
Jeff replies "We don't go for that ****, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the
****ing car."


� My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really don�t want to answer that love, u know I've had a past
& I don't want to upset u!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.


� A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and
naked. As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a
headache!" "Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with crushed asprin. You can take it
orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"



My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she
wasn't pleased when i came back and gave her some Slimming Pills



� A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a
car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his
blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you
miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story
is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!, there
will ALWAYS be a string attached!.



I was at a wedding reception when the dj announced 'all the married
men out there go and stand by the person who makes ur life worth
living'. The barman was crushed to death.


My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me:
'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the
rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'


� My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go
out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I
look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

[Stanbull]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, LET ME OUT"

To which the Vicar replies

"Too late pal, the ****ing paperworks already done"

[g.red]

I was in a pub on Saturday night and had a few before noticing two rather large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"



One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"



So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"



Then the lights went out....

[Kenneth]

Why did the lights go out?

[Norbs]

cos he got knocked out

[Kenneth]

Oh.

[Tee]

[spud_gun]

[Tee]

****ing rascialists.

[Stanbull]

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban & is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind the men.

A year later she returns & is delighted to find that the men now walk 5 paces behind the women.

She asks the interpreter "What brought about this wonderful change?"

He replied "Landmines"

[Stanbull]

My girlfriend got a tattoo, a seashell on the inside of her thigh. It's brilliant, if you put you ear to it you can actually smell the sea!

[Stanbull]

As part of the Jelavic deal Everton have announced they have agreed to play a friendly against Rangers. The game has been labelled EL BRASSICO!!

[tufty]

Jewish fella goes in the gents for a ****. When he's finished he notices theres no bog roll so he shouts under to the next cubicle " you got any spare paper in there ? "
voice replies " no sorry "
Jew thinks for a while and then says
" Have you got two fivers for a tenner ?"