Crap Jokes

[greenbloodred]

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

[kev776]

I love ebay, I sold my homing pigeon 4 times last month.

[kev776]

An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!”

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrects him, “This is the Burns Unit!”

[5europeancups]

An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!”

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrects him, “This is the Burns Unit!”

[Yozza]

An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!”

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrects him, “This is the Burns Unit!”

[Norbs]

Too good for this thread

[Liverpel]

An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!”

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrects him, “This is the Burns Unit!”

[Gray]

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should
take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf,
hat and gloves.



Also a 24 hour supply of food and drink, a de-icer, rock salt, torch & spare
batteries.



In addition they should take a Safety triangle, tow rope , petrol can, first
aid kit & jump leads...



I felt a right prat on the bus this morning!

[kev776]

THE BLOOD DONOR

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery. Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to obtain blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so a call went out nationally.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, diamonds & a large sum of US dollars, as appreciation for giving his blood.

A couple of weeks later, the Arab had to go through emergency corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again with a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins

[Tee]

[kev776]

The government has decided that from April 2016, all dogs must have a microchip implant.

" I hope it doesn't leave a scar." Said Katie Price.

[Muddled]

[tufty]

B & Q are in trouble now, it appears their floorings got lamb in it

[Boogs]

What are you doing 2nite mate..? I've got milk, eggs, sugar, lemons, pancake mix and a frying pan..! All I need is a TOSSER.

[Assassin]

Redheart or Rashid are available