Crap Jokes

[kev776]

Didn't take much tbf, Thatcher's funeral was funnier too

Was the joke so bad or do you hate her so much?

[Debsju]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!

We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!
"
Whut fish?

:hahaha: laughs

[kev776]

At my gym there's a new machine. I only used it for half an hour and started to feel sick. It does everything. Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers

[Vermilion]

[kev776]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying *******, he's never been out of the garden."

[Kloppster]

The Vulturi

[Debsju]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying *******, he's never been out of the garden."

Lmfao : laughs:

[Debsju]

A woman walks down the high street and passes a pet shop, as she walks past a parrot whistles and shouts hey YOU FAT ****.... The woman walks hurriedly past disgusted

Next day the same happens again the parrot whistles and shouts hey YOU FAT ****... This time she walks into the pet shop and tells the owner that she's horrified and that she will make Sure the parrot is put to sleep if it carries on with the vile name calling

On this note the owner goes and as a word with the parrot and explains its not acceptable to call people names like that

The following day the woman walks past the pet shop and the parrot whistles , and shouts HEY YOU ****ING KNOW !!!!

[Kenneth]

Ok.

[Debsju]

Sorry ken bit rubbish I know .,..

[Debsju]

A woman walks into a vets with her beloved Dog who's had a really poorly eye for the past week... She passes the dog to the vet and explains the situation..

About 5 minutes later after looking into its eyes he says I'm really sorry I'm going to have to put him down

She cries why ??? Cos he's got a poorly eye ???
Vet says no cos he's ****ing heavy .,,,

[kev776]

John walks into a bar and sees his friend Slinks slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Slinks what's wrong.

"Well," replies Slinks, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies John with a laugh.

"Well," says Slinks, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says John, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Slinks, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says John,

"So I get to her door," says Slinks, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Slinks slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the ****ing face."

[baitman]

nice personalisation, Kev

[G]

John walks into a bar and sees his friend Slinks slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Slinks what's wrong.

"Well," replies Slinks, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies John with a laugh.

"Well," says Slinks, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says John, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Slinks, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says John,

"So I get to her door," says Slinks, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Slinks slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the ****ing face."

[Tee]

Brilliant!