Crap Jokes

[Subby]

I was given the job of interviewing Kate Middleton's midwife.
"What colour hair did it have?", I asked.
"None at all, completely bald," he replied.
"Is it cute?"
"It was beautiful, one of the cutest I've ever seen," he added.
I said, "Now lets talk about the baby."

[Subby]

The Chinese government have decided to ban Despicable Me 2. They don't want their own yellow minions getting any ideas.



"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.

"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely," I said.

[tufty]

two fellas go into the public bogs

one wants a piss but the other ones desperate for a **** so runs into the cubical

after a couple of minutes he calls out to his mate

" ******* ! theres no paper in here, any paper hand towels out there "

" no, its them blow driers "

" what shall I do then "

" have you not got a fiver on you ? after all its an emergency "

" yes I have and I suppose you're right, I'll have to "


he emerges a couple of minutes later and his hands are covered in ****

" ****in hell mate, how have you got in such a mess ? "

" have you ever tried wiping your arse on four pound coins, a fifty pence piece and five tens ? "

[Subby]

My teenage son brought his new girlfriend home last night so I gave him some sex advice.

"Spread her ***** apart with your fingers and lick her clit," I said. "Then, after a few minutes, spit on her arse, slip your cock deep inside and then pound the granny out of it."

"Oh, cheers, dad!" he replied.

"No problem," I said, walking out of his room. "Nice to meet you, Sarah."

[tufty]

[tufty]

I've been to the dentist today

best part was he put me to sleep to extract the tooth that was giving me problems

worst part was getting back and finding my undies were on back to front

[Kloppster]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is 80 euro an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?

[tufty]

I went to one of those fetish clubs last night and met a few members

we all got off on the right foot ........

[ChesterDave]

Can't believe the ignorance of some people. "in Genesis it was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve"













I think you'll find Genesis was Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks.

[Kloppster]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and...................................... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

[Tee]

[Frenchie]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTifRi3qDkU"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTifRi3qDkU[/ame]

[Frenchie]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DkuXBsHytE"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DkuXBsHytE[/ame]

for Slinks...

[Subby]

Just came home from work and saw that my depressed Ethiopian flatmate has hanged himself in the bathroom.

Now that's gonna save me a few quid on sticky flypaper.

[kev776]

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!