Crap Jokes

[baitman]

My mate asked if I wanted to do a spit roast with him and his wife. As his wife is an absolute stunner, I said 'Yes'.
Although kneeling here with his cock up my arse and her strap-on in my mouth I feel something has gone terribly awry.

im sure there is a confessions thread for this sort of thing... or there should be

[paulg]

My mate asked if I wanted to do a spit roast with him and his wife. As his wife is an absolute stunner, I said 'Yes'.
Although kneeling here with his cock up my arse and her strap-on in my mouth I feel something has gone terribly awry.

Slinky, is that you?

[ChesterDave]

What's the difference between an Egg and Elliot Rodger?

An egg gets laid before it cracks.



Too soon?

[PTP]

[EwarWoo]

[McDermotX]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[McDermotX]

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact that no one made any sandwiches.

[McDermotX]

I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."

"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Ever what?" she replied.

"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.

I said, "Don't you ever shut the **** up?"

[wiw]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

So bad.

[PTP]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Slinky Skills]

I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."

"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Ever what?" she replied.

"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.

I said, "Don't you ever shut the **** up?"

[Boogs]

Amazon reviews for Veet for men. Probably been posted before if so sorry for the dup.
veet for men

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9,513 of 9,843 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Oh the shame.... 3 July 2012
By A. Chappell
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

[Mr Darko]

I went the library earlier and asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped away at the keyboard and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up" he frowned.

I said "that's the one!"

[Angryred]

Haha...good one mate!

[kev776]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!