Crap Jokes

[bacon]

Police have confirmed that a man who died after falling from a nightclub roof was not a bouncer

[badpiggy]

I ate a clock for dinner last night. It was very time consuming. But I still went back for seconds.

[baitman]

A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”
The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up”
“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “
So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.
Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.
“****, it’s my husband “ she said
“ quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”
So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.
Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance.
A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital
“How are you” ? She asked
“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he said
“Oh dear” she said
“Still , it could have been much worse “
“Much worse !!!!?” Said the dwarf
“How do you figure that out”
“Well” she said
“You’re lucky I live in a bungalow"😂😂😂😂

[baitman]

In these difficult times a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never give up.👍👍

My mates missus came a close 2nd in the 1997 Miss Bolton competition...

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck...

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders...

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstructive surgery after a road traffic accident...

Later she suffered 80% burns in a factory fire...

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a kebab shop...

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts but she never stopped believing
And then finally, last month....

She was crowned Miss Wigan 2020 👏

[Fivex]

[baitman]

Mates wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband
"What should I do?"
Hubby says "I'm no expert but I wouldn't ****ing spank him"

[baitman]

Absolutely devastated.
7 years of medical training and hard work resulting in a friend being struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients.
He is no longer able to continue in the profession he loves.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet!

[Norbs]

Mates wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband
"What should I do?"
Hubby says "I'm no expert but I wouldn't ****ing spank him"

[bacon]

Mates wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband
"What should I do?"
Hubby says "I'm no expert but I wouldn't ****ing spank him"

.. like that one

[baitman]

Jose Mourinho gets a letter delivered to his house in Rome.
Opens it, it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Manchester United Football Club..
He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years."
No Jose sorry, but there’s no mistake......
You were the last person in the trophy room in 2017 and you left the ****ing light on!"

[Norbs]

[jono]

Jose Mourinho gets a letter delivered to his house in Rome.
Opens it, it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Manchester United Football Club..
He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years."
No Jose sorry, but there’s no mistake......
You were the last person in the trophy room in 2017 and you left the ****ing light on!"

Quick - someone run around to Goodison and check the lights.

[Fosterbloke]

Quick - someone run around to Goodison and check the lights.

Don't send Pickford though..

[badpiggy]

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy says to Elmer "is this whiskey?" Elmer says, "yeth but not as whiskey and wobbing a bank."

[Norbs]