Crap Jokes

[Deano]

Whats Forest Gumps password ?


1Forest1

[SB]

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[baitman]

****e.

[ChesterDave]

****e.

I thought it was pretty decent. Old though

A policeman has just knocked my door & said "it looks like your wife's been in a car crash".

I said "I know, but she's great with the kids".

[SB]

Baitman look away now


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[SB]

Just sayin


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[SB]

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[baitman]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

[Mr Pink]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

[Mr Pink]

A man walks into a bar in NY and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then sits at the bar, on his own and takes sips from each glass, until he finishes all 3 pints. He then orders another 3 pints.

The barman looks confused and asks him why he doesn’t just order 1 at a time. The man explains that he has a brother back home in Ireland, and another brother in Australia, and they all “go for drinks together” in this way every Saturday. The barman smiles at this nice tradition and leaves him to it.

Over the following weeks, the man becomes a regular at the bar, drinking 3 pints of Guinness at a time. After several weeks the barman sees him sitting, looking disheartened with 2 pints of Guinness in front of him.

The barman approaches him, and says “I’m sorry for your loss…”, pointing at the 2 glasses. The man replies “ahhh no no, both my brothers are fine, I’m just off the drink”

[SB]

A man walks into a bar in NY and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then sits at the bar, on his own and takes sips from each glass, until he finishes all 3 pints. He then orders another 3 pints.

The barman looks confused and asks him why he doesn’t just order 1 at a time. The man explains that he has a brother back home in Ireland, and another brother in Australia, and they all “go for drinks together” in this way every Saturday. The barman smiles at this nice tradition and leaves him to it.

Over the following weeks, the man becomes a regular at the bar, drinking 3 pints of Guinness at a time. After several weeks the barman sees him sitting, looking disheartened with 2 pints of Guinness in front of him.

The barman approaches him, and says “I’m sorry for your loss…”, pointing at the 2 glasses. The man replies “ahhh no no, both my brothers are fine, I’m just off the drink”

[SB]

Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

[SB]

Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Ten Hag:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Ten Hag:"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”

[Angryred]

A man walks into a bar in NY and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then sits at the bar, on his own and takes sips from each glass, until he finishes all 3 pints. He then orders another 3 pints.

The barman looks confused and asks him why he doesn’t just order 1 at a time. The man explains that he has a brother back home in Ireland, and another brother in Australia, and they all “go for drinks together” in this way every Saturday. The barman smiles at this nice tradition and leaves him to it.

Over the following weeks, the man becomes a regular at the bar, drinking 3 pints of Guinness at a time. After several weeks the barman sees him sitting, looking disheartened with 2 pints of Guinness in front of him.

The barman approaches him, and says “I’m sorry for your loss…”, pointing at the 2 glasses. The man replies “ahhh no no, both my brothers are fine, I’m just off the drink”

Love it!

[Angryred]

Love this one too!