Crap Jokes

[fidget]

Never fall for a tennis player, love means nothing to them.

[SB]

[Kenneth]

It's a very elegant joke.

[SB]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SB]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[SB]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[DerKrampus]

I feel attacked/seen

[SB]

I feel attacked/seen

That’ll be the sensor light causing that

[SB]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[SB]

The Golf Course Incident
One fine morning, a Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives decided to enjoy a round of golf together. As they gathered at the first tee, the Swede’s wife stepped up to take her shot.

Just as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind lifted her skirt, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Her husband, Ole, nearly choked. “Good grief, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?!”

She simply shrugged. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

Embarrassed, Ole sighed, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a fifty. “For the sake of decency, here’s some money—go buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife stepped up to take her turn. As she bent down, another gust of wind sent her skirt flying, revealing that she, too, was going commando.

Her husband, Patrick, gasped. “Saints preserve us, woman! You’ve no knickers on! Why not?”

She sighed. “Well, you don’t give me enough money for such luxuries.”

Shaking his head, Patrick pulled out a twenty and handed it to her. “For the sake of decency, go buy yourself some underwear!”

Finally, it was the Scotsman’s wife, Aggie, who approached the tee. As she bent over to place her ball, the wind whipped her skirt right over her head—once again, revealing she was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.

Her husband, Duncan, groaned and threw up his hands. “For Jake’s sake, Aggie! Where the hell are yer drawers?!”

She crossed her arms. “Ye dinnae give me enough money tae afford any.”

Duncan sighed, reached into his pocket, and handed her a comb.

“Well, for the love o’ decency, at least tidy yerself up a bit.”

[SB]

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of medical tests, one of which wreaked havoc on his digestive system. Despite several prior false alarms, he felt another urgent need to go to the bathroom. Assuming it was just another false call, he decided to stay in bed.

This time, however, he was wrong. Mortified, he suddenly soiled the bed in a way that sent him into a panic. Overwhelmed and desperate to erase any evidence of the incident, he leapt out of bed, bundled up the soiled sheets, and tossed them out of the nearest hospital window in a frantic act of self-preservation.

Outside, an old drunk happened to be staggering along the sidewalk when, out of nowhere, the bundle of sheets landed squarely on him.

Startled and bewildered, the man began flailing his arms and shouting, struggling to disentangle himself from the mysterious, smelly "attacker." His panicked yells echoed through the street as he finally managed to wrestle free, leaving the soiled sheets in a heap on the ground.

Breathing heavily, the drunk stood there, swaying unsteadily and staring at the mess with a mix of confusion and horror. At that moment, a hospital security guard, who had witnessed the entire spectacle and was doing his best not to laugh, approached him.

“What’s going on here?” the guard asked, trying to keep a straight face.

The drunk, still wide-eyed and shaken, pointed at the offending pile and replied with utmost sincerity:
“I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost.”

[SB]

Jaco on the radio

https://www.facebook.com/reel/671681205903110

[Slinky Skills]

Hired an Eastern European lady to clean the house. Unfortunately she took 15 hours to do all the cleaning.

Turned out she was a Slovak.

[Norbs]

Hired an Eastern European lady to clean the house. Unfortunately she took 15 hours to do all the cleaning.

Turned out she was a Slovak.

[SB]

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and **** myself.