Disco went home one day to his other half, opened his shirt to reveal a spreadsheet tattoo'd on his chest.
His partner comments: "You've really excelled yourself this time."
His partner comments: "You've really excelled yourself this time."
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Well, here we are in a room with two manky hookers and a racist dwarf. I think I'm heading home. -
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Have it bookmarked myselfOriginally posted by spud_gun View Post
Going to book mark that.
Well, here we are in a room with two manky hookers and a racist dwarf. I think I'm heading home.Comment
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The joke thread
On hearing her elderly grandad had died, Katie went to her 98 year old grans house.
When she asked how he died, gran replied,
“He had a heart attack during Sunday morning sex.”
Katie was aghast at her two grandparents risking their lives making love.
“Oh no” said gran, “we do it it to the sound of the church bells.
Nice and slow.
In on the ding and out on the dong”, she paused to wipe away a tear;
“he’d still be alive if the ice cream van hadn’t come along.Comment
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I actually laughed at that. Out loud and everything. I'd forgotten that was possible in this forum..
Suppose you have a physicist and a sociologist standing at the side of a field, observing a set of events unfolding on the field. The physicist does [describes] it using the terminology of mass and velocity and frequency of radiation and the rest. And the sociologist does it by describing it as a rugby match.
May the Lord bless this post.Comment
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ha brilliant'The tide is very much in our court now.'
KeeganComment
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Ok something similar:
An 80 year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like *******s, arms and legs allover the place until they fell to the floor in a crumpled heap of wrinkled flesh.
'Christ' she said 'You didnt **** me like that 50 years ago'
To which the old man replied '50 years ago that fence wasnt ****ing electric!''Religion is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend'Comment
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Them ice cream van tunes are mental lolz!!!"Its not about the long ball or the short ball, its about the right ball." Bob PaisleyComment
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Atishoo!
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He again pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."Comment
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Shove fruit up ur arse quietly or die
Three men, Richard, Simon and Charlie are walking in the woods when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe says, 'we will eat all three of you if you fail the task i set you.' all three men agreed to take the task, it was worth it if it would save them from a painful death. The leader said, 'right, i want all of you to go into the woods and collect 10 pieces of fruit of the same type and then return with them to me.' The men, knowing they had passed dozens of fruit on their way happily accepted. Richard was first to return. He had found 10 apples. The leader of the cannibals said,'right, now i want you to shove the apples up your butt one by one without making any type of noise. If you make a sound i will eat you.' Richard got to the fourth apple before he yelled in pain. He was eaten. Next to come back was Simon. He had brought 10 grapes. The cannibal repeated his task to him and Simon began. He was just putting in the last grape free of pain when he suddenly burst out laughing.
Up in heaven Richard exclaimed to Simon, 'why did you laugh?? you were so close you could have survived!!' Simon replied, 'I know, but i couldnt help it, i saw Charlie coming along with pineapples!!'One City
One Name
One Club
LIVERPOOL FC
Awoooga!!!!!!!!Comment
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Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.Jürgen Klopp
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Little Johnny (again)
grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students? what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had Bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'...
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast...
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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Ahmed meets Manny Cohen....
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water but would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your f****ng brother won't let me in without a tie!"Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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The Barber.....
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..
Later, a baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The baker is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a bookseller comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The bookseller is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of ParliamentThose that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law.Comment
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