The jokes thread

[Subby]

amen

[tommyg]

New Zealand joke

Cameron was a boy in year 3 at his local primary school.
One day he came home from school and said to his Dad, "Hey dad today at school we had a race and i ran the fastest out of everyone!" to which his Dad replied "Son thats because you're from New Zealand!"
A week later Cameron came home from school and said to his Dad, "Hey dad i can kick a ball higher than everyone in my class!" and again his Dad replied "Thats because you're from New Zealand!"
The next week, Cameron came home and said "Dad, today when everyone was having a wee i noticed my willy was bigger than all the other boys!" to which his dad replied "Son thats because you're 23!"

[Angryred]

Three Blondes were all applying
for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want
to be cops, huh?'

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect..
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately
said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'


The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'






Are you ready for this????















The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

[Joe King]

What do William Gallas and Heather Mills have in common?

They are both bad skippers.

[Aza]

Slur Alky was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

He thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

[Joe King]

I've been told never to have sex before the marriage




Otherwise you would be late to the ceremony

[Kenneth]

I've been told never to have sex before the marriage




Otherwise you would be late to the ceremony

[kev776]

Paddy goes....

Paddy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars with even some pin-up girls on the back of the door. The guys is amazed!

The priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out, ya idiot, you're on my side."

[disco]

Disco went home one day to his other half, opened his shirt to reveal a spreadsheet tattoo'd on his chest.

His partner comments: "You've really excelled yourself this time."

[Scratch]

Disco lives!!!

[kev776]

Fencepost tortoise

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Cornish farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.
"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.

[kev776]

Dare I post it - sorry PC morale Police

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at a MP's house. One is from Luton, another is from Birmingham , and the third is from Leeds .
All three go with the parlimentary official to examine the fence.

The Birmingham contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £9000: £4000 for materials, £4000 for my crew and £1000 profit for me."

The Leeds contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £7000: £3000 for materials, £3000 for my crew and £1000 profit for me."

The Luton contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the MP and whispers, "£17,000." The MP, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Luton contractor whispers back, "£5000 for me, £5000 for you, and we hire the guy from Leeds to fix the wall."

"Done!" replies the MP.

[Subby]

ha ha

[The Glove]

Harry Potter thought he had swine flu, turns out he just had Hog Warts.

[Reaper]

Ffs