Crap Jokes

[Subby]

A man is getting dressed in his bedroom. All of a sudden his son walks in. The son looks at his father's penis and asks, "Dad, when am I going to get one of those?". The father replies, "When you're older son". The father hasn't finished dressing when his daughter walks in. She looks at her father's penis and asks, "Dad, when am I going to get one of those?". Her father looks at her and replies, "When your mother goes out".

ah that's sick


















ahem.....

[Reaper]

We were having a debate in the pub at weekend about women's rights for and against abortion, and the Landlord asked me: "Are you a pro abortionist?"


I replied: "No but I'm pretty handy with a coat hanger".

[Reaper]

Making the headlines this week: a baby has been born to a brain-dead woman.



I'm not sure why that's news. I mean, it happens every day on council estates up in Manchester

[Bob]

Making the headlines this week: a baby has been born to a brain-dead woman.



I'm not sure why that's news. I mean, it happens every day on council estates up in Manchester

When will you stop pilfering sikipedia

[Reaper]

When people stop sending me em

I know where they come from I aint daft, Id just rather people filtered out the crap for me than having to do it myself

Popbitch is another my mates use

[Reaper]

Hey Bob mate.. We all know what a calculated and focused mind you have. Is this your aftershave by any chance?

Clicky

[Elvoz]

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet new people every day.

[Elvoz]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several Months, Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.


She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.


When I got fired, you were there to support me.


When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.


When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You
know What?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck - now **** off."

[Elvoz]

What’s worse than a carboard box?


Paper tits.

[Elvoz]

A man meets a lady at a bar, he says "Hi, what's your name?"

She says "Carmen, cos I like cars and I like men! What's yours?

He replies "Beercunt"

[MrsB]

A man meets a lady at a bar, he says "Hi, what's your name?"

She says "Carmen, cos I like cars and I like men! What's yours?

He replies "Beercunt"

I think we have a lot of them on here.

[Elvoz]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?



Keep the tip

[Subby]

Beware Something to offend everyone!



A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'


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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.


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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......


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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'


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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


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I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '


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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.


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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'


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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!


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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

[Reaper]

Another one to be found on Sicki just for Bob



Bloke is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled.

"What the **** happened?" He demands

"Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes"

"AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info

Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse"

"OMG, What happened?" asks dad

sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt"

"NO!" shouts Dad "Then?"

Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out"

"WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts wanking.

[Elvoz]

Another one to be found on Sicki just for Bob



Bloke is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled.

"What the **** happened?" He demands

"Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes"

"AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info

Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse"

"OMG, What happened?" asks dad

sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt"

"NO!" shouts Dad "Then?"

Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out"

"WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts wanking.

i didnt want to go to heaven anyway i wont know any ****er there