Crap Jokes

[baitman]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock

of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird ****?'

Pirate: 'Ahh, It was my first day with the hook.'

[SB]

I was waiting for the stench to clear before commenting

[Norbs]

[Slinky Skills]

My friend needed a bone marrow replacement. We found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

Our thanks goes out to Diego Marrow Donor.

[SB]

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a Screwdriver

Turned a few heads

[Slinky Skills]

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9-iron but I still got it over the shed.

[Fan65]

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a Screwdriver

Turned a few heads

[SB]

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9-iron but I still got it over the shed.

[SB]

I recently installed a high power electric fence around my property.






My neighbour is dead against it.

[SB]

Have you heard of a film called Constipation?

It hasn't come out yet. No ****, I kid you not

Fixed it

[Slinky Skills]

I think my wife is sticking glue on to all my antique weapons.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

[Norbs]

[DerKrampus]

I recently installed a high power electric fence around my property.






My neighbour is dead against it.

[Norbs]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil and paper.

[Irishnev]

Lady: do you drink beer?

Me: yes.

Lady: how many per day?
Me: 3.

Lady: how much do you pay per beer?

Me: $5 each including tip.

Lady: how long have you been drinking?

Me: about 20 years.

Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that's $108,000.

Me: sounds correct.

Lady: did you know that if you put that money into a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?

Me: do you drink beer?

Lady: no.

Me: where's your ****ing plane?