Crap Jokes

[Kenneth]

My wife hates it when our neighbour sunbathes topless in her garden. Personally, I'm on the fence.

[Le Chef]

I'm a bad man, and in my defence the thought was instantaneous. Hearing that Morten Harket has Parkinson's I thought A-ha could remake their mega hit for charity as Shake On Me.

I have sufferers in the family, and I don't even think it's funny but thought it was a great kneejerk reaction to the news. And I've noticed the kneejerk pun but it's too obvious

[Norbs]

I'm a bad man, and in my defence the thought was instantaneous. Hearing that Morten Harket has Parkinson's I thought A-ha could remake their mega hit for charity as Shake On Me.

I have sufferers in the family, and I don't even think it's funny but thought it was a great kneejerk reaction to the news. And I've noticed the kneejerk pun but it's too obvious

[SB]

https://fb.watch/zW1gq-2H6J/?

[SB]

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[SB]

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[SB]

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[SB]

Cos I shouldn’t but

[Norbs]

A man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor, there's a bit of lettuce hanging out of my bottom', the Doctor replies 'Jump up on the couch and I'll take a look'

After quite a long examination the Doctor responds 'Hmm, seems this is just the tip of the Iceberg'

[SB]

A women wanted to spice up her dead sex-life, she puts on her new panties, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At a strategic moment, she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Yes, yes"" she coos, so excited and with a cunningly seductive smile.
"Thank God!” he replies, “I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot!!

[SB]

An oldie but a goodie.





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[SB]

The Madam opened the brothel door in Belfast and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:

“May I help you sir?” She asked.

The man replied. “I want to see Rosie.”

“Sir, Rosie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.

He replied. “No, I must see Rosie.”

Just then, Rosie appeared and announced to the man she charged £10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand pounds and gave it to Rosie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Rosie. Rosie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still £10,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rosie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Rosie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Rosie said to the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied. “Falls Road .”

“Really.” She said. “I have family on the Falls Road.”

“I know.” The man said. “Your sister died and I am her Solicitor. She asked me to give you your £30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer....��

[SB]

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[SB]

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[Norbs]

I recently switched all the labels on my wife's Spice rack.

She doesn't know it yet, but her Thyme's Cumin.