Crap Jokes

[SB]

You know who you are




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[Angryred]

[SB]

A bloke from Barnsley goes to the bar.....

"Ey up shagga ow much for a beer?"

Bar man: It's £5 a pint or £15 for a pitcher.

"Just give us a pint then pal I'm not arsed about the photo."

[Slinky Skills]

I ate a Kids meal at McDonald's yesterday.

The kids parents were not happy.

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[SB]

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[SB]

C


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[SB]

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician!

[Norbs]

BREAKING NEWS :
Man shot in city centre today with a starting pistol.
Police are keeping an open mind but think it may be race related.

[SB]

BREAKING NEWS :
Man shot in city centre today with a starting pistol.
Police are keeping an open mind but think it may be race related.

[baitman]

BREAKING NEWS :
Man shot in city centre today with a starting pistol.
Police are keeping an open mind but think it may be race related.

[fidget]

Ask any pirate what his favourite letter is and he’ll tell you it’s P because he’d be irate without it.

[baitman]

A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the Pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Arr, well,” said the Pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Arrrr, well” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of a big fat Albatross flew over. As I looked up, the ******* thing only went and shat in me eye didn't it, Arrrr!”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird ****”
“Arr, bejasus lad it was me first day with this feckin hook!”

[Le Chef]

Oldie but a Goldie

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxX7QCll3oc"]Eddie Izzard "Death Star Canteen" Sketch From the Circle DVD (2002) - YouTube[/ame]

[EwarWoo]

Duinno which is the best bit of that one, reducing women to a sexual object that must be checked for faults if she doesn't want sex or the rapey blackmailing dr.

[baitman]

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months:

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him. "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me. 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" 🤣