Crap Jokes

[SB]

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[SB]

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[SB]

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[SB]

We all know a few people that this applies to




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[Angryred]

Brilliant!

[SB]

An Aussie truckie walks into this Pub with a full-grown emu behind him. The barmaid asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the barmaid returns with the order 'That will be $15 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next week, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the barmaid.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the barmaid brings the order and says, 'That will be $40.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The barmaid cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the barmaid. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The barmaid asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[SB]

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[paulg]

My mate has a Quality Street stuck in his throat

The Purple one?

Yeah, that's the fella

[SB]

My mate has a Quality Street stuck in his throat

The Purple one?

Yeah, that's the fella

[Norbs]

My mate has a Quality Street stuck in his throat

The Purple one?

Yeah, that's the fella

[SB]

Sure is

[Angryred]

FLMAO!!! some classics in there I bet ya all forgotten!!

[SB]

While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"
Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
"Yes," she said firmly.
"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight began.

We went out to a restaurant, and the waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare," I said.
He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah," I replied, "she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight began.

At her high school reunion, my wife couldn’t stop staring at a drunken man at a nearby table.
"Do you know him?" I asked.
"Yes," she sighed. "He’s my old boyfriend. I hear he started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since."
I said, "Wow! Who knew someone could celebrate that long?"
And that’s when the fight began.

When the lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting I should fix it, but I always had other priorities.
One day, I came home to find her in the yard, cutting the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched for a moment, then silently went into the house. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you’re done, you might as well sweep the driveway too."
The doctors say I’ll recover, but I’ll always walk with a limp.

My wife sat next to me as I was flipping through channels.
"What’s on TV?" she asked.
"Dust," I replied.
And that’s when the fight began.

One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
And that’s when the fight began.

For our anniversary, my wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight began.

When I went to apply for Social Security, I realized I’d forgotten my ID.
The clerk asked me to unbutton my shirt, and when she saw my silver chest hair, she said, "That’s proof enough," and processed my application.
Excitedly, I told my wife the story when I got home.
She said, "You should’ve dropped your pants; they might’ve given you disability too."
And that’s when the fight began.

One morning, my wife stood in front of the mirror, unhappy with her reflection.
"I feel old, fat, and ugly," she said. "I need a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And that’s when the fight began.

This morning, I rear-ended another car. The driver got out and turned out to be a dwarf.
He glared at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
So I asked, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that’s when the fight began.

One Christmas, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift.
The next year, I didn’t get her anything.
When she asked why, I said, "Well, you haven’t used last year’s gift yet!"
And that’s when the fight began.

[SB]

Just seen Pep Guardiola doing his weekly shopping.
I thought he’d be a Morrisons person but no, it’s LLLLLDL

[baitman]

Just seen Pep Guardiola doing his weekly shopping.
I thought he’d be a Morrisons person but no, it’s LLLLLDL