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A penguin walks into a bar, puzzled look on his face and says to the Barman "I've lost my mate, have you seen him?"
Barman says "Dunno mate, what does he look like?"Leave a comment:
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A Penguin goes to a Garage and says to the mechanic. "I think something's wrong my car, can you take a look at it?"
"Mechanic's like yeah, no probs. Come back in an hour."
The Penguin mooches off into town for a bit, sees an ice cream shop and buys a 99 ice cream and heads back to the Garage. By this point he has ice cream all over his mouth.
When he gets there the Mechanic says "I think you've blown a seal mate", the Penguin says "It was an ice cream not a seal"Leave a comment:
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BREAKING...
Everton Football Club have submitted a request to UEFA to get last nights result overturned against Cypriot minnows Apollon Limassol... Apparently the gas fitter who plays in midfield wasnt Corgi registered.....Leave a comment:
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The barman screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little *******.
Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the barman. "
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
HE MEASURES EVERY THING FIRST.Leave a comment:
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What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A heavy conversation.Leave a comment:
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Quick tip lads.
Never buy underpants from the Ukraine because Chernobyl falloutLeave a comment:
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Apparently Brucie died of a seizure, or as Brucie would have put it
"Nice to Seizure, to Seizure nice"Leave a comment:
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A joke about the new pound coin has been named the funniest of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
Ken Cheng won the 10th annual Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe with: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."
The joke, from his show Ken Cheng: Chinese Comedian, won 33% of a public vote on a shortlist of gags picked by comedy critics.
Previous winners include Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyons.
Cheng told BBC Radio 4's Today programme he was surprised the joke won the award because it had been a "groaner".
"Audiences tends to groan at it a lot," he said.
"I'm generally going after laughs, but I'll take the groan."
Cheng said he came up with the joke when the government announced plans for the new 12-sided £1 coin in 2014.
Asked to pick what joke he thought was the funniest besides his own, he said Frankie Boyle's.
Cheng studied maths at Cambridge for a year before dropping out to play online poker professionally.
His big break in showbiz came when he reached the final of the 2015 BBC Radio New Comedy Award.
On winning the Dave prize, Cheng said: "I am very proud to have won.
"As a tribute, I will name my firstborn son after this award and call him 'Joke of the Fringe'."
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
The award, which was voted on by 2,000 people, lists jokes anonymously to avoid any bias towards well-known comedians.
Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "From Trump and veganism to the new pound coin, this year's news agenda has certainly also provided some great inspiration for comedians to get grips with.
"It's fantastic to see that, even after ten years of the Joke of the Fringe award, there is no shortage of brilliant one-liners delivered at the Festival to get us all laughing."
Masai Graham won last year's award with the gag: "My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart."
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